-- Mark Twain
Friday, June 28, 2013
Something to Know - 29 June
-- Mark Twain
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Something to Know - 28 June
-- Mark Twain
Fwd: Lindsey Graham just dared us
From: Tea Party Patriots Citizens Fund <newsletter@teapartypatriots.org>
Date: Thu, Jun 27, 2013 at 4:22 AM
Subject: Lindsey Graham just dared us
To: juanma2t@gmail.com
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-- Groucho Marx
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Borowitz Fix Today
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a shocking end to an illustrious legal career, police arrested Justice Antonin Scalia today as he attempted to set the Supreme Court building ablaze.
Justice Scalia, who had seemed calm and composed during the announcement of two major rulings this morning, was spotted by police minutes later outside the building, carrying a book of matches and a gallon of kerosene.
After police nabbed Justice Scalia and placed him in handcuffs, the Juror appeared "at peace and resigned to his fate," a police spokesman said.
"He went quietly," the spokesman said. "He just muttered something like, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.' "
Back at the Supreme Court, Justice Scalia's colleagues said they hoped he would get the help he needed, except for Justice Clarence Thomas, who said nothing.
-- Groucho Marx
Today is a good day
The leadership may not want to listen to TX women, but they will have to listen to me. I intend to filibuster this bill. #SB5 #txlegeAs indication of how polarizing this issue is:
— Wendy Davis (@WendyDavisTexas) June 25, 2013
The current filibuster in Texas has turned into the best/worst reality show about your womb ever: http://t.co/mPe6HkBLD0 #sb5and
— Jezebel (@Jezebel) June 26, 2013
Sorry, folks, but the under-29 crowd doesn't #standwithwendy, 52-39% support a 20-week limitation on abortion. http://t.co/5owr2jLyLqBut the filibuster was a success anyway--for now, at least:
— David Freddoso (@freddoso) June 26, 2013
what a night. SB5 is dead. This vine video is chilling. #standwithwendy RT @andreagrimes: WENDY WENDY WENDY #sb5 https://t.co/BcoaiT6mSF
— Cesar Kuriyama (@CesarKuriyama) June 26, 2013
HISTORY LESSON: Texas actually has a long past of strong, liberal women: http://t.co/Mz1YOE9PSo #StandWithWendy #SB5
— Slate (@Slate) June 26, 2013
In other news, SCOTUS struck down Prop 8, the Defense of Marriage Act. Same-sex marriages will be recognized at the federal level. But the recognition of same-sex marriages at the state level will be contested in individual state races across the US.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Borowitz Fix
- JUNE 25, 2013
SUPREME COURT FREES AMERICANS FROM BURDEN OF VOTING
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — By a five-to-four vote, the Supreme Court today acted, in the words of Justice Antonin Scalia, "to relieve millions of Americans from the onerous burden of having to vote."
Writing for the majority, Justice Scalia stated, "Since 1965, citizens across the nation have lived under the tyranny of being forced to elect people to represent them. This is an important step to free them from that unfair and heinous obligation."
Justice Scalia added that the Voting Rights Act had "thrust upon the shoulders of millions of Americans the terrible and unwanted burden of exercising their rights in a democracy."
"Many of them have been forced to drive to polling places, wait in line, and then cast their vote because of the oppressive requirements of this Act," he wrote. "It is our honor and duty to free them from those hardships."
In conclusion, Justice Scalia wrote, "Our message today to the American people is simple: we are voting so you won't have to."
-- Groucho Marx
Monday, June 24, 2013
Something to Know - 25 June
-- Groucho Marx
Your Daily Borowitz Fix
AGENCY BUSY SPYING ON THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE FAILED TO NOTICE ONE DUDE WORKING FOR IT
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A U.S. intelligence agency was so busy spying on three hundred million Americans that it failed to notice one dude who was working for it, a spokesman for the agency acknowledged today.
"I guess we were so busy monitoring the everyday communications of every man, woman, and child in the nation that we didn't notice that a contractor working for us was downloading tons of classified documents," the agency spokesman said. "It's definitely embarrassing, for sure."
Despite having an annual budget in the neighborhood of ten billion dollars, the agency had no idea that a dude who was working for it five days a week was getting ready to send those classified documents to a journalist who would then tell everybody in the world.
"Maybe if we hadn't been so busy keeping our eye on those other three hundred million people, we would have noticed that this one guy who was working right under our noses was up to something totally fishy," the spokesman said. "But you know what they say about hindsight."
As for where that guy who leaked the documents was planning to go next, the spokesman admitted, "We don't have a clue."
"I know what you're thinking—an intelligence agency probably should know that Hong Kong has an international airport and that its departures board lists flights to Moscow and whatnot," the spokesman said. "I don't know what to say. Maybe we need a bigger budget or something."
-- Groucho Marx
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Something to Know - 23 June
-- Groucho Marx
Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The United States government charged former intelligence analyst Edward Snowden with spying on Friday, apparently unaware that in doing so it had created a situation dripping with irony.
At a press conference to discuss the accusations, an N.S.A. spokesman surprised observers by announcing the spying charges against Mr. Snowden with a totally straight face.
"These charges send a clear message," the spokesman said. "In the United States, you can't spy on people."
Seemingly not kidding, the spokesman went on to discuss another charge against Mr. Snowden—the theft of government documents: "The American people have the right to assume that their private documents will remain private and won't be collected by someone in the government for his own purposes."
"Only by bringing Mr. Snowden to justice can we safeguard the most precious of American rights: privacy," added the spokesman, apparently serious.
----Juan
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
-- Groucho Marx
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Something to Know - 21 June
- 1. David Brooks attempts to explain the decline in "Humanities" courses or majors among students involved in higher education. Is it because of economic reasons, or is it that the humanities are not as in vogue as they were a few decades ago. Who knows? All I know is that familiarity on the worldly subjects that are involved in "humanities" is what is wrong with a lot of right-wing extremists who are directing the GeeOpie:
- 2. What are known as profitable companies in our national economy today, as opposed to what what were profitable corporations 50 years ago, are quite different. Paul Krugman leads us through this sadness:
- --
-- Groucho Marx"
Borowitz
DOHA, QATAR (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest publicity coup for the Afghan insurgent group, the Taliban today finished first in a newly released survey of the "Best Places to Work 2013."
For the Taliban, who had just opened their office in Doha, Qatar, on Tuesday, the honor was "totally unexpected and incredibly humbling," a spokesman for the group said.
"This is the first office we've ever opened, so naturally we wanted it to be nice and all," he said. "But to be named a better place to work than Apple and Google and the other amazing places on this list–whoa."
Cited in the poll was the atmosphere at Taliban headquarters, which numerous employees described as "relaxed" and "fun."
"People think that just because we observe Sharia law, we walk around with frowny faces all day," the spokesman said. "The fact is, we have a lot of laughs here."
One person not amused by the survey results, however, was the Afghan President Hamid Karzai, who threatened to break off peace talks with the Taliban if they do not immediately admit that the poll was a "total fraud."
"Who was behind this so-called poll? The Taliban, that's who," an angry Karzai told reporters. "When they did their little ribbon-cutting for their office on Tuesday, I thought they were publicity whores, but they are really taking it to a new sick level."
Hours later, the Taliban spokesman offered this response: "Hamid Karzai doesn't sound very chill. He'd really have to dial it back if he wanted to fit in at a workplace like this."
-- Groucho Marx"
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Borowitz Explains the New Middle-East Foreign Policy Norm
U.S. PROMISES SMOOTH TRANSFER OF QUAGMIRE FROM AFGHANISTAN TO SYRIA
DAMASCUS (The Borowitz Report)—Supporters of the United States' twelve-year quagmire in Afghanistan cheered the news today that the U.S. would strive to achieve a seamless transfer of that quagmire to Syria, effective immediately.
Army Gen. Martin Dempsey, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, sought to reassure those who were concerned that the U.S. withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan signalled a wavering of the nation's commitment to being mired in open-ended military muddles.
"I can tell you, right here and right now, that the U.S. is every bit as determined to engage in an ill-defined, ill-advised and seemingly interminable mission in Syria as we were in Afghanistan," Gen. Dempsey said. "All that's changing is the Zip Code."
General Dempsey said that the same tribal hatreds, sectarian violence, and untrustworthy alliances that made Afghanistan a quicksand-like morass are very much in evidence in Syria: "I am confident that we could be involved in Syria for many, many years before figuring out why we are there."
Harland Dorrinson, executive director of the National Quagmire Institute, a think tank dedicated to promoting the United States' involvement in intractable conflicts around the globe, said he found General Dempsey's words about Syria reassuring: "I felt a lot better after hearing what he had to say, and I know a lot of defense contractors felt the same way."
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
The Borowitz Report for Today
LOUGH ERNE, NORTHERN IRELAND (The Borowitz Report)—The G8 summit ended today on a constructive note, with President Obama and Russia's Vladimir Putin reaching a broad agreement never to speak to each other again.
"It's better this way," said Mr. Obama, frostily standing in the general vicinity of Mr. Putin for the last time ever. "We truly despise each other."
"I couldn't agree more," said Mr. Putin, looking as though he had just smelled something bad. "My hatred of this man knows no bounds."
According to the agreement, economic coöperation, cyber security, human rights, the war in Syria, and the New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft's missing Super Bowl ring are among thirty-seven different topics that the two men will never again discuss.
Additionally, at all future summits, if either Mr. Obama or Mr. Putin enters a room the other man will be obligated to leave immediately.
The two men reached agreement on an unprecedented number of points, including never contacting each other via telephone or e-mail and keeping a minimum of five hundred feet away from each other's residences.
After signing the agreement, the two men shook hands for the final time and scowled bitterly for photographers.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Something to Know - 18 June
Borowitz
AMERICANS SENT OVER A HUNDRED MILLION FATHER'S DAY MESSAGES, SAYS N.S.A.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans sent over a hundred million Father's Day messages on Sunday, the National Security Agency reported today.
The hundred-million number, while robust, falls short of the hundred and twenty million Mother's Day messages collected by the N.S.A. in May.
The difference between the two figures is "not surprising," said N.S.A. director General Keith B. Alexander. He added, "On the whole, mothers take Mother's Day more seriously—if the e-mails we read by mothers whose children forgot are any indication."
General Alexander said that the agency collected in the neighborhood of two to three million such e-mails from angry mothers this year.
The N.S.A. director added that the agency had not foiled any terror plots over the weekend but did uncover between thirty and forty thousand extramarital relationships.