DOHA, QATAR (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest publicity coup for the Afghan insurgent group, the Taliban today finished first in a newly released survey of the "Best Places to Work 2013."
For the Taliban, who had just opened their office in Doha, Qatar, on Tuesday, the honor was "totally unexpected and incredibly humbling," a spokesman for the group said.
"This is the first office we've ever opened, so naturally we wanted it to be nice and all," he said. "But to be named a better place to work than Apple and Google and the other amazing places on this list–whoa."
Cited in the poll was the atmosphere at Taliban headquarters, which numerous employees described as "relaxed" and "fun."
"People think that just because we observe Sharia law, we walk around with frowny faces all day," the spokesman said. "The fact is, we have a lot of laughs here."
One person not amused by the survey results, however, was the Afghan President Hamid Karzai, who threatened to break off peace talks with the Taliban if they do not immediately admit that the poll was a "total fraud."
"Who was behind this so-called poll? The Taliban, that's who," an angry Karzai told reporters. "When they did their little ribbon-cutting for their office on Tuesday, I thought they were publicity whores, but they are really taking it to a new sick level."
Hours later, the Taliban spokesman offered this response: "Hamid Karzai doesn't sound very chill. He'd really have to dial it back if he wanted to fit in at a workplace like this."
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." -- Groucho Marx"