DAMASCUS (The Borowitz Report)—Supporters of the United States' twelve-year quagmire in Afghanistan cheered the news today that the U.S. would strive to achieve a seamless transfer of that quagmire to Syria, effective immediately.
Army Gen. Martin Dempsey, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, sought to reassure those who were concerned that the U.S. withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan signalled a wavering of the nation's commitment to being mired in open-ended military muddles.
"I can tell you, right here and right now, that the U.S. is every bit as determined to engage in an ill-defined, ill-advised and seemingly interminable mission in Syria as we were in Afghanistan," Gen. Dempsey said. "All that's changing is the Zip Code."
General Dempsey said that the same tribal hatreds, sectarian violence, and untrustworthy alliances that made Afghanistan a quicksand-like morass are very much in evidence in Syria: "I am confident that we could be involved in Syria for many, many years before figuring out why we are there."
Harland Dorrinson, executive director of the National Quagmire Institute, a think tank dedicated to promoting the United States' involvement in intractable conflicts around the globe, said he found General Dempsey's words about Syria reassuring: "I felt a lot better after hearing what he had to say, and I know a lot of defense contractors felt the same way."
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."