LOUGH ERNE, NORTHERN IRELAND (The Borowitz Report)—The G8 summit ended today on a constructive note, with President Obama and Russia's Vladimir Putin reaching a broad agreement never to speak to each other again.
"It's better this way," said Mr. Obama, frostily standing in the general vicinity of Mr. Putin for the last time ever. "We truly despise each other."
"I couldn't agree more," said Mr. Putin, looking as though he had just smelled something bad. "My hatred of this man knows no bounds."
According to the agreement, economic coöperation, cyber security, human rights, the war in Syria, and the New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft's missing Super Bowl ring are among thirty-seven different topics that the two men will never again discuss.
Additionally, at all future summits, if either Mr. Obama or Mr. Putin enters a room the other man will be obligated to leave immediately.
The two men reached agreement on an unprecedented number of points, including never contacting each other via telephone or e-mail and keeping a minimum of five hundred feet away from each other's residences.
After signing the agreement, the two men shook hands for the final time and scowled bitterly for photographers.
""We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be."