First Ebola case diagnosed in US, CDC confirmsLos Angeles Times | September 30, 2014 | 2:26 PM The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has confirmed the first Ebola case diagnosed in the United States. It appears the patient is being treated at a hospital in Texas, as three public health and hospital officials from the state are scheduled to appear at a news briefing at CDC headquarters in Atlanta at5:30 p.m Eastern time. For the latest information go to www.latimes.com. I suggest that the President ask the Congress to authorize immediate and necessary funding to combat this pandemic force, and in effect ask for a blank check up to $50 billion. Oh, and at the same time ask for authorization to engage in activity (might even call it war) on ISIL in the Middle-East. You think Congress might get to work...or are the Republicans just too busy with distractions to be bothered? |
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
We Need to Find Out
Something to Know - 30 September
Andy Borowitz
"It really will work better for us," Obama said in a press conference Tuesday morning. "In addition to the doorman, there's a guy at the front desk, and, if anyone comes to see you, the desk guy will call up to your apartment first to make sure it's O.K."
The senior doorman at the Obamas' new building, Alex Kornash, seemed unfazed about providing security for the President. "I've been a doorman for twenty-three years," Kornash said. "Someone doesn't belong here, you tell them to go away. What's so hard about that?"
The 2,140-square-foot, three-bedroom condominium that the Obamas will call home includes many amenities, including central air-conditioning, a washer/dryer and all new stainless-steel appliances, according to its real-estate listing.
In addition, when the President makes one of his frequent trips, "there's someone to take in the mail and water the plants," he said.
Since the President's announcement of his move, there has already been considerable interest in the White House, mainly from foreign buyers, sources said.
Juan
Monday, September 29, 2014
Something to Know - 29 September
Juan
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a Thursday appearance on the Fox News Channel, former Vice-President Dick Cheney said that it was "no fair" that President Obama gets to bomb Syria.
"I'm envious as hell," he told Fox's Sean Hannity. "That was on my bucket list."
Asked if he had any advice for the President on bombing Syria, Cheney said, "Just enjoy it. It doesn't get any better than this."
The former Vice-President struck a philosophical note at the conclusion of his interview with Hannity. "Look, I had a good run," he said. "I got to bomb Afghanistan, and I got to do it to Iraq—twice. But to see someone finally get to bomb Syria and it's not me? I'd be lying if I said that didn't hurt like hell.
Juan
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Andy Borowitz
Americans Who Have Not Read a Single Article About Syria Strongly Support Bombing It
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
CREDITPHOTOGRAPH BY ABDALGHNE KAROOF/REUTERS
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report) — In a positive development for the U.S.-led campaign of air strikes in Syria, a new poll indicates strong, broad-based support for the mission among people who have yet to read a news article about Syria.
According to the poll, released on Tuesday, the bombing campaign got a thumbs-up from people who had no information about Syria's civil war, including its duration, the parties involved, and what a Sunni is.
Additionally, the air strikes garnered enthusiastic support from people who could not correctly identify the President of Syria, tell what the acronym ISISstands for, or locate Syria on a map.
According to pollster Davis Logsdon, who supervised the survey for the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, the poll numbers augur well for the mission going forward.
"People who have not read a single article about Syria are a key constituency because they represent an overwhelming majority of Americans," he said. "And when you asked the follow-up question of whether they intended to read an article about Syria in the future, their answer was a resounding no."
According to Logsdon, the bombing campaign also earned high marks from another important group, Americans who think that they maybe read a news headline about Syria but did not click on it.
Juan
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Andy Borowitz
Despite bringing attention to a position that is embraced by more than ninety per cent of the world's scientists, the People's Climate March, which took place on Sunday in New York City, left a broad majority of the nation's idiots unconvinced.
"Look, if hundreds of thousands of people want to march about something, it's a free country," said Carol Foyler, an idiot from Kenosha, Wisconsin. "But let me ask them something: if the climate is really getting warmer, why was it so cold up here last winter?"
Harland Dorrinson, an idiot from Hollywood, Florida, was also unmoved by the message of Sunday's march. "What these marchers don't realize is that the planet goes through natural cycles of heating and cooling," he said. "Blaming people for global warming is like blaming dinosaurs for the ice age."
Skepticism about scientists characterized many of the idiots' remarks, including those of Tracy Klugian, of Albuquerque, New Mexico. "Those marchers are holding signs that say 'Scientists this, scientists that,' " he said. "Well, how can scientists be sure that the Earth was colder thousands of years ago, when no one had invented a thermometer?"
Klugian said he was confident that, despite the impressive numbers for Sunday's march, idiots would prevail in the ongoing climate-change debate. "At the end of the day, there are more people like us in Congress," he said.
Juan
Friday, September 19, 2014
Andy Borowitz
LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – In the aftermath of Scotland's "no" vote in the referendum on becoming an independent country, Queen Elizabeth II, of Great Britain, took to the airwaves on Friday morning to inform the people of Scotland that she "graciously and wholeheartedly" accepted their apology.
"Although the matter of independence has been settled, one question remains very much open," she said in an address televised across Scotland. "And my answer to that question is this: yes, I forgive you."
The Queen made only scant reference to her obscenity-laden tirade on Thursday, in which she reamed the Scots for even considering breaking away from the United Kingdom.
"Like any parent with a naughty child, I became a little cross," she said. "I forgive you for provoking me."
The Queen ended Friday's address to the Scottish people on a conciliatory note. "Let us all, each and every one of us, move forward now as one great nation, enjoying the benefits and the history of our glorious and historic union," she said. "Even the forty-five percent of you who are wankers."-
Juan
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Andy Borowitz
Female G.O.P. Senators Propose Earning Seventy-one Per Cent As Much As Male Colleagues
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Two days after voting against the Paycheck Fairness Act, a law that would help women to obtain equal pay, the four female Republicans in the United States Senate co-sponsored a bill that would slash their salaries to seventy-one per cent of what their male colleagues earn.
The senators—Kelly Ayotte (R-N.H.), Susan Collins (R-Maine), Deb Fischer (R-Neb.), and Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska)—said that the best way to take a stand against big government's intrusive attempts to mandate equal pay for women was to take a twenty-nine-per-cent pay cut themselves.
"The days of the federal government forcing us to earn as much as male senators are over," Ayotte said. "We will not stop fighting until we make twenty-nine per cent less."
Fischer said that after voting down paycheck equity for women across America, the female Republican senators realized that they themselves were "burdened by the tyranny of equal pay" in the U.S. Senate.
"All we are asking for is the same freedom from equal pay that other American women enjoy," Ayotte said.
Though the bill was just proposed on Wednesday morning, Murkowski said that it already has the unanimous support of male Republicans in the Senate.
Juan
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Andy Borowitz
Kerry Claims U.S. Has Found a Moderate Syrian Rebel
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what Secretary of State John Kerry described as a significant foreign-policy coup, the U.S. claimed, on Tuesday, that it had successfully located a moderate Syrian rebel.
Though Kerry did not elaborate on how the U.S. did so, he said that locating the rebel was "the culmination of a months-long effort."
The Secretary of State said that the Syrian had been appropriately vetted and was deemed "moderately rebellious."
"He definitely seems to be the sort of gentleman we can work with," Kerry said, adding that several millions of dollars would be spent arming and training the rebel in the days and weeks ahead.
Kerry said that the government's successful identification of a moderate Syrian rebel was a major victory that should silence critics of the U.S.'s strategy in Iraq and Syria.
"To all of the naysayers who have been arguing that there are no moderate Syrian rebels, I am here today to say that we have found one," Kerry said. "And if we have found one, that means that there must be others out there."
Juan
Something to Know - 16 September (the other day of Mexican Independence that Gringos never remember or associate with drinking Margaritas)
Juan
Monday, September 15, 2014
Andy Borowitz
Integrity Disqualifies Sanders for White House
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders's potential bid for the 2016 Presidency was declared over, on Monday, before it even began, because of a key feature of the American political system that makes a person with integrity ineligible for the White House.
According to some experts, the electoral system has developed a number of safeguards over the past few decades to prevent someone with independence and backbone from occupying the Presidency.
"Bernie Sanders's failure to become a member of either major political party excludes him from the network of cronyism and backroom deals required under our system to be elected," said Davis Logsdon, a political scientist at the University of Minnesota. "Though that failure alone would disqualify Sanders, the fact that he is not beholden to a major corporate interest or investment bank would also make him ineligible."
Because of his ineligibility, Logsdon said, the Vermont Senator would be unable to fund-raise the one billion dollars required under the current system to run for President. "The best source of a billion dollars is billionaires, and Sanders has alienated them," he said. "Clearly he didn't think this through."
Logsdon said that Sanders might persist in his quest for the White House despite his ineligibility but that such an effort would be doomed to fail. "Our political system has been refined over the years specifically to keep people like Bernie Sanders out of the White House," he said. "The system works."
Juan
Friday, September 12, 2014
Thursday, September 11, 2014
11 September 1973 (09/11/1973)
Juan
Something to Know - 11 September
Juan
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Something to Know - 10 September
Juan
Andy Borowitz
Cheney Says Iraq Would Be Stable If He Were Still President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Harshly criticizing the current occupant of the White House, Dick Cheney told reporters on Wednesday, "Iraq would be stable today if I were still President."
"ISIS is a problem that President Obama has made possible," Cheney said during a press conference on Capitol Hill. "I never would have let that happen when I was Commander-in-Chief."
He said that he would listen to President Obama's speech on Wednesday night about destroying the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham, but admitted that he was not expecting much. "Quite frankly, whenever President Obama talks about Iraq he sounds delusional," he said.
Juan
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Something to Know - 9 September
Juan
Monday, September 8, 2014
Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—CNN kicked off its coverage of the latest royal pregnancy on Monday by simulating the journey of Prince William's sperm to Kate Middleton's egg.
Holding two plastic models of the Windsors' reproductive cells, the CNN host Don Lemon offered viewers a dramatic re-creation of the path taken by the royal spermatozoon.
The CNN president Jeff Zucker praised the demonstration, calling it "the perfect way to kick off our twenty-four-hour coverage of this story for the next nine months."
"This is the most important story of the year, and we plan to throw everything at it," Zucker said, adding that he was reassigning reporters who are currently working from Ukraine.
Juan