Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Andy Borowitz

(The real kicker is that Rep. Issa is conducting a House Committee hearing today to delve into the failings of the Secret Service, but no one is bothering to take issue with the Congress authorizing the President to engage with ISIS.  Coward!  (ed.)

Obama to Move to Doorman Building


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Barack Obama has decided to move his family into a full-service doorman building in Washington, D.C., saying that "it just makes more sense right now."

"It really will work better for us," Obama said in a press conference Tuesday morning. "In addition to the doorman, there's a guy at the front desk, and, if anyone comes to see you, the desk guy will call up to your apartment first to make sure it's O.K."

The senior doorman at the Obamas' new building, Alex Kornash, seemed unfazed about providing security for the President. "I've been a doorman for twenty-three years," Kornash said. "Someone doesn't belong here, you tell them to go away. What's so hard about that?"

The 2,140-square-foot, three-bedroom condominium that the Obamas will call home includes many amenities, including central air-conditioning, a washer/dryer and all new stainless-steel appliances, according to its real-estate listing.

In addition, when the President makes one of his frequent trips, "there's someone to take in the mail and water the plants," he said.

Since the President's announcement of his move, there has already been considerable interest in the White House, mainly from foreign buyers, sources said.


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