LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – In the aftermath of Scotland's "no" vote in the referendum on becoming an independent country, Queen Elizabeth II, of Great Britain, took to the airwaves on Friday morning to inform the people of Scotland that she "graciously and wholeheartedly" accepted their apology.
"Although the matter of independence has been settled, one question remains very much open," she said in an address televised across Scotland. "And my answer to that question is this: yes, I forgive you."
The Queen made only scant reference to her obscenity-laden tirade on Thursday, in which she reamed the Scots for even considering breaking away from the United Kingdom.
"Like any parent with a naughty child, I became a little cross," she said. "I forgive you for provoking me."
The Queen ended Friday's address to the Scottish people on a conciliatory note. "Let us all, each and every one of us, move forward now as one great nation, enjoying the benefits and the history of our glorious and historic union," she said. "Even the forty-five percent of you who are wankers."-
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.