NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – A climate-change march that organizers claim was the largest on record is nevertheless unlikely to change the minds of idiots, a survey of America's idiots reveals.
Despite bringing attention to a position that is embraced by more than ninety per cent of the world's scientists, the People's Climate March, which took place on Sunday in New York City, left a broad majority of the nation's idiots unconvinced.
"Look, if hundreds of thousands of people want to march about something, it's a free country," said Carol Foyler, an idiot from Kenosha, Wisconsin. "But let me ask them something: if the climate is really getting warmer, why was it so cold up here last winter?"
Harland Dorrinson, an idiot from Hollywood, Florida, was also unmoved by the message of Sunday's march. "What these marchers don't realize is that the planet goes through natural cycles of heating and cooling," he said. "Blaming people for global warming is like blaming dinosaurs for the ice age."
Skepticism about scientists characterized many of the idiots' remarks, including those of Tracy Klugian, of Albuquerque, New Mexico. "Those marchers are holding signs that say 'Scientists this, scientists that,' " he said. "Well, how can scientists be sure that the Earth was colder thousands of years ago, when no one had invented a thermometer?"
Klugian said he was confident that, despite the impressive numbers for Sunday's march, idiots would prevail in the ongoing climate-change debate. "At the end of the day, there are more people like us in Congress," he said.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.