Andy Borowitz

JANUARY 31, 2014

CHRISTIE ASKS FOR PUBLIC’S PATIENCE WHILE HE COMES UP WITH NEW STORY

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to fresh charges that he knew about the controversial lane closures on the George Washington Bridge last fall, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today asked for the public’s patience while he makes up a new story.

“Today you have heard some allegations that are shocking and explosive,” he told reporters at a hastily called press conference. “All I ask is that the people of the great state of New Jersey give me sufficient time to invent a new story that explains my way out of this.”

Governor Christie said that he had spent the past few hours in closed-door meetings trying to come up with a new narrative that absolves him of any guilt in the bridge scandal, but while he was definitely denying the allegations, “so far, we don’t have a winner.”

“We’ve been tossing around everything from my not remembering events correctly to my having a bad reaction to medication,” he said. “We even floated the idea of my being under too much pressure and having to ‘blow off steam.’ As I said, we don’t have a winner yet. But I want to reassure the people of New Jersey that I am working very hard on this.”

The Governor said he understood that “things don’t look very good for me right now,” but he urged the public against rushing to judgment, adding, “I will get back to you with a well-crafted and plausible story as soon as possible.”

--

****

Juan

 
You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore, because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference.
-- Richard M. Nixon

Something to Know - 31 January

An item found in the Rose Garden:

Whatever your beliefs, this should be good for a laugh

In my mature years, I'm finally beginning to understand the Bible!
For those who haven't heard, the State of Washington just passed two
laws:
● Same-sex Marriage
● Legalized Marijuana

 

The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the
same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

 

"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

 

I just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.

--

****

Juan

 
I still call myself a communist, because communism is no more what Russia made of it than Christianity is what the churches make of it.
-- Pete Seeger

Something to Know and Andy Borowitz - 29 January

1.  There certainly is enough material provided by political characters to write about each day.   Now, we know that Chris Christie does not have a lock on being the only bully along the Hudson river.  The buzz this morning is about Congressman Grimm (R- NY City) who has threatened to throw a questioning reporter off the balcony in the nation's capitol:

http://swampland.time.com/2014/01/29/state-of-the-union-2014-michael-grimm-new-york-threat-balcony/

2.  And then we have Andy Borowitz:

JANUARY 29, 2014

OBAMA’S CALL TO END TRAGEDIES ANGERS PRO-TRAGEDY WING IN CONGRESS

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — President Obama’s call during his State of the Union address to “stop more tragedies from visiting innocent Americans” received a frosty response from the pro-tragedy wing in Congress last night.

After Mr. Obama made his controversial stopping-tragedies remark, prominent pro-tragedy members of Congress looked on in stony silence, refusing to applaud.

“I thought it was offensive and inappropriate,” said Sen. David Vitter (R-Louisiana). “If the President wants coöperation from Congress, he should refrain from his divisive and inflammatory anti-tragedy rhetoric.”

The pro-tragedy lobby is among the most powerful in Washington, spending millions annually to defeat politicians who oppose tragedies.

Another congressman with a strong pro-tragedy voting record, Rep. Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina), also blasted the President’s remark, accusing Mr. Obama of conducting a “war on tragedy.”

“If the President really thinks he is going to prevent more tragedies, he should be prepared for a fight,” Rep. Wilson said. “The American people’s right to tragedies is protected by the United States Constitution.”

--

****

Juan

 
I feel that my whole life is a contribution.
-- Pete Seeger

Something to Know - 28 January

1.  We lost a good and decent human being.  A true American.  His call to action and his poetic music is what opened up the hearts and minds to many of my generation.  What he said to Charlie Rose in an interview was that you can get away with a lot more in singing than you can with speaking.  He made one think about what it is to be a true and patriotic citizen.  He leveled the playing field of big guys and little guys where everyone was equal and materialism mattered nothing, and that love of humanity and peace was everything.  Sure, it is all Kumbaya to some, but Pete was for facing down the dark side of life and championing idealism.  His passing has greatly affected a bunch of us today:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/29/arts/music/pete-seeger-songwriter-and-champion-of-folk-music-dies-at-94.html?emc=eta1

2.  David Brooks, presents a relevant look at what is important when paradigms are knocked askew and one has to figure out what to make of the pieces.  This is nothing about politics, but about finding answers that are contrary to conventional wisdom:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/28/opinion/brooks-alone-yet-not-alone.html?emc=eta1

3.  I end this today with something that only Pete Seeger could find the words and sing about.  This is about who we are as a nation today, and its strength is laid to what we had envisioned when we started:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/28/opinion/bruni-emilios-great-race.html?emc=eta1  

--

****

Juan

 
I still call myself a communist, because communism is no more what Russia made of it than Christianity is what the churches make of it.
-- Pete Seeger

Andy Borowitz

JANUARY 28, 2014

REPUBLICANS PROMISE TO RESPOND TO STATE OF UNION WITH GRUMPIEST FACES EVER

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — As President Obama prepares to deliver his State of the Union address tonight, congressional Republicans are promising to respond with what they call their grumpiest faces ever.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) confirmed that the G.O.P. have been practicing in front of mirrors for weeks in the hopes of creating just the right grouchy-face look for the TV cameras.

“Tonight, President Obama is going to lay out his vision for this country,” he said. “We owe it to the American people to look like someone just pissed in our cornflakes.”

For some, the task of looking crabby “is just another day at the office,” said Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), widely viewed by his fellow-Republicans as the reigning sourpuss in Congress.

“It’s a gift I have,” he said. “It’s one of the perks of being a steaming cauldron of spite.”

Perhaps the most sustained performance of sulkiness will fall to House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who will be seated behind the President and therefore will be on camera for the entire duration of the address.

“There’s a lot of pressure on me to look sullen for an entire hour, but I’m up to it,” he said. “It helps that I will be in the same room with so many people I despise.”

--

****

Juan

 
I still call myself a communist, because communism is no more what Russia made of it than Christianity is what the churches make of it.
-- Pete Seeger

Andy Borowitz - From the Louie Gomert School of Public Polic

JANUARY 27, 2014

STEPHEN HAWKING'S BLUNDER ON BLACK HOLES SHOWS DANGER OF LISTENING TO SCIENTISTS, SAYS BACHMANN

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Stephen Hawking's recent statement that the black holes he famously described do not actually exist underscores "the danger inherent in listening to scientists," Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) said today.

Rep. Bachmann unleashed a blistering attack on Dr. Hawking, who earlier referred to his mistake on black holes as his "biggest blunder."

"Actually, Dr. Hawking, our biggest blunder as a society was ever listening to people like you," said Rep. Bachmann. "If black holes don't exist, then other things you scientists have been trying to foist on us probably don't either, like climate change and evolution."

Rep. Bachmann added that all the students who were forced to learn about black holes in college should now sue Dr. Hawking for a full refund. "Fortunately for me, I did not take any science classes in college," she said.

Bachmann's anti-Hawking comments seemed to be gaining traction on Capitol Hill, as seen from the statement by Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas), Chairman of the House Science Committee, who said, "Going forward, members of the House Science Committee will do our best to avoid listening to scientists."

--

****

Juan

 
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.
-- Upton Sinclair

Something to Know - 24/25 January

1.  Paul Krugman sets the stage for Obama's speech next Tuesday night.  Jobs and Inequality are his focus.  He places them on the same level.  Others, do not:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/24/opinion/krugman-the-populist-imperative.html?emc=eta1&_r=0

2.  Timothy Egan speaks to the philanthropic works of billionaires, such as Bill Gates, and others in their work to eradicate the misery that plagues 3rd-world countries.  Gates, from Seattle, is mentioned with another guy from the same city - Richard Sherman, the Seattle Seahawk cornerback, who boldly ranted himself on to the public stage last weekend.  The thing is, Sherman is doing his thing to demonstrate to those in 3rd-world hoods, how to move out and up.  Sherman is a graduate of Dominguez High School in Compton, California, and was second in his graduating class.   He went on to Stanford, and is now a big time NFL player.  He goes back to his school and talks the game of working hard to get what it takes to better the situation:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/24/opinion/egan-billionaires-and-boasts.html?emc=eta1

3.  If you don't live in the Los Angeles area, this article may not interest you. I like it because it fills me in on what my son does for a living, so that I can explain to others what it is that he does:

http://www.latimes.com/local/la-me-lax-rail-link-20140124,0,1688792.story#axzz2rKr9bE5V

4.  Hardly a day goes by without a mention of the problems surrounding (a big area) Chris Christie.  This article is amusing, entertaining, and with a whole lot of potential.  Equating Bridgegate with Watergate by one who knows all the dirt in the Watergate scandal makes for something you need to know:

http://www.nationalmemo.com/to-roger-stone-bridgegate-coverup-is-another-watergate-and-he-would-know/

--

****

Juan

 
Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

Andy Borowitz - Again.....today

JANUARY 23, 2014

KIM JONG-UN: BIEBER JUST A FEW ARRESTS FROM BEING MY FRIEND

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report) — North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un announced on state television today that he believes the pop star Justin Bieber is "just a few arrests away" from visiting North Korea as his friend.

"Justin, if you are watching right now, this is my message to you," Kim said. "I stand ready and willing to be your B.F.F."

The mercurial Kim said that he would seek Mr. Bieber's aid in boosting North Korea's slumping pop-music industry, which has failed to generate any hits comparable to South Korea's "Gangnam Style."

"Justin Bieber could be our Minister of Culture," he said.

The dictator said he understood that Mr. Bieber's fans were concerned about the direction the singer was heading of late, but he offered this reassurance: "He is heading to North Korea. It's all good."

--

****

Juan

 
They didn't have a problem with me being wild and crazy when it came time to fill the arenas.
-- Dennis Rodman

Andy Borowitz

JANUARY 23, 2014

PUTIN WARNS GAYS AGAINST FLAMBOYANT DISPLAYS AT OLYMPICS

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

SOCHI (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin said today that gay spectators should feel welcome at the upcoming Winter Olympics but warned them against “any flamboyant displays that draw unnecessary attention to themselves.”

“The Olympics have always been, and should always be, about the athletes,” President Putin said. “Any attempt by homosexuals to flaunt their bodies in a way that is distracting, provocative, or arousing will be frowned upon.”

“Specifically, gay spectators should remain fully clothed at all times, and resist the temptation to unveil their chiseled biceps or shredded abdominals,” he said.

“Furthermore,” he added, “under no circumstances should gays oil, grease, or otherwise lubricate their torsos in an effort to highlight their glistening, ripped pectorals.”

He closed his remarks with one final warning for gay spectators in Sochi: “Remember, this is the Olympics. It is strictly forbidden for you to expose your thighs, buttocks, or especially your nipples, erect from the frigid Russian air.”

--

****

Juan

 
If you go long enough without a bath, even the fleas will leave you alone.
-- Ernie Pyle

Something to Know - 22 January

1.  In an article that really rankles the Libertarians, the subject of food in the USA reveals much of who we are and who we are not.  We have plenty of food, but not always the right stuff for those who need it (who get the crappy stuff).  In order to obtain high stature in the way we feed ourselves, it would take government intervention, since it seems the free-market seems to depend on high profits on junk food and other stuff that is not all that good for us.  What does Rand Paul and his gang have to say about that?

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/22/opinion/bittman-abundance-doesnt-mean-health.html?emc=eta1&_r=0

2.  Here is the Oxfam study that has people buzzing today.  It justifies the assertions that the greatest wealth in the world is concentrated in just a few hands.  Inequality revealed:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/21/85-richest-people_n_4641021.html?utm_hp_ref=email_share

3.  For those who have difficulties in understanding how the world wide web works, here is an article that will really screw you up.  How is it possible that a little itty-bitty house in Cheyenne, Wyoming houses a system set up by a former Ukranian high official have huge chunks of Chinese internet traffic working through shelves of servers in Dick Cheney's back yard?

http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/01/22/chinese-internet-traffic-redirected-to-small-wyoming-house/?emc=eta1

--

****

Juan

 
I think Barack Obama is a one-term President.
-- Dick Cheney

Andy Borowitz

JANUARY 20, 2014

MAYORS BULLIED BY CHRISTIE FORM SUPPORT GROUP

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

NEWARK (The Borowitz Report)—A support group for mayors bullied by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie held its first meeting today at the Prudential Center arena, in Newark.

Organizers of the gathering pronounced themselves pleased with the turnout, as bullied officeholders from all over the state filled the eighteen-thousand-seat venue.

The support group was the brainchild of Carol Foyler, the bullied mayor of Sea Ridge, New Jersey.

"All of these mayors have their own painful stories to share," Mayor Foyler said. "We wanted to give them a safe space to do that."

The event was interrupted fifteen minutes in, however, when power to the Prudential Center was abruptly cut off, plunging the arena into darkness.

A spokesman from Gov. Christie's office said that the sudden power outage was part of a routine electricity study.

--

****

Juan

 
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr

Something to Know - 20 January

1.   Paul Krugman comes right out and faces the problem of the Inequality that exists in our Capitalistic society - the Undeserving Rich:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/20/opinion/krugman-the-undeserving-rich.html?emc=eta1&_r=0

2.  Robert Reich is right there with Krugman, and takes his brush and paints the bigger picture:

http://robertreich.org/#.UtwyK9J6qqo.twitter

--

****

Juan

 
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr

Something to Know - 19 January

1.  Here's a deeply introspective piece from today's NY Times.  It is written by a former Wall Street insider who rode the Greed Machine and made millions.  Take all the Hollywood movies and some books on the subject, and you have a nice read to see how the "addiction to wealth" is really the dark side of Capitalism, and how it destroys us.  In the end, this guy pulls out, as a reformed alcoholic would do:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/19/opinion/sunday/for-the-love-of-money.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20140119&_r=0

2.  The soon-to-be-released movie "Mitt"  on Netflix this 24th of January, is not to be missed.  Presented by award-winning producer Seth Gordon, it presents an intimate look at the trials, travails, and eventual unexpected loss (to the Romney circle) of a run in the last general election:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/19/opinion/sunday/dowd-peeling-away-the-plastic.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20140119

--

****

Juan

 
I have built my organization upon fear.
-- Al Capone

Something to Know - 17 January

As I read interesting articles, or receive tidbits from various sources, I file them in the folder for publication in this forum.  I have not sent out much lately, but the folder is big.  So, I am going to dump the whole thing on you without much introduction.  Read them if you like, but I will take pleasure in having them out there for possible absorption:

  

1.  Roger Ailes.  The big Wizard at Fox:

http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2014/01/20/140120crat_atlarge_lepore?utm_source=tny&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=weeklyemail&mbid=nl_Weekly%20(23)

2.  Cesar Chavez for those who need an update on who he was and still is:

http://www.upworthy.com/this-is-cesar-chavez-if-you-havent-heard-of-him-perhaps-its-time-you-did?c=upw1

3.  The boom-town side effects in North Dakota:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/14/opinion/running-on-fumes-in-north-dakota.html?emc=eta1

4.  David Brooks on those who get out in front and lead the way:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/14/opinion/brooks-the-leadership-revival.html?emc=eta1

5.  Ted Cruz and his style of pissing everyone off in the GeeOpie:

http://www.nationalmemo.com/ted-cruz-cements-his-position-as-the-gops-master-troll/

6.  George Packer and his assessment of Joisey Governor Christie's behavior:

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/comment/2014/01/the-trouble-with-christie.html?utm_source=tny

7.  The Albany Bureau comes through with the SF Chronicle's article on Guns:

http://www.sfchronicle.com/entertainment/carroll/article/This-gun-is-great-This-one-is-too-5139523.php?t=0eaa3d0e76

8.  When you are thinking about the bad day you are having, this video about a youngish old man at 17 with Progeria should inspire you to tough it out:

http://www.upworthy.com/right-before-dying-from-a-rare-lifelong-disease-sam-revealed-his-three-secrets-to-happiness?c=upw1

9.  NY Times editorial on the Christie way of governing:

http://www.upworthy.com/right-before-dying-from-a-rare-lifelong-disease-sam-revealed-his-three-secrets-to-happiness?c=upw1

10.  Gail Collins analyzes the purpose, or the blather, behind the politician's speech:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/16/opinion/collins-the-state-of-the-speeches.html?emc=eta1

11.  Charles Blow would rather concentrate on progressive issues than piling on Gov. Christie's troubles:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/16/opinion/blow-pro-progressive-is-better-than-anti-christie.html?emc=eta1

12.  Here's a solid progressive issue that we should all get behind (GeeOpie, are you listening?):

http://www.nationalmemo.com/joe-conason-1-17/

13.  Okay, enough of idealism and progressive issues.  Timothy Egan leads us back to using Gov. Christie as a trampoline:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/17/opinion/egan-guys-guys.html?emc=eta1

14.  Welcome to a bit of a well-deserved puff piece on Academy Award Nominee - Matthew McConaughey:   

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/culture/2014/01/the-mcconaissance.html?utm_source=tny:

15.  A piece on the Target plastic card scandal and how it reaches to other merchants.  Perhaps all this angst will lead to a needed overhaul of the way we transact purchases and go after the model that exists in Europe, and almost all other countries:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/17/business/breach-at-neiman-marcus-went-undetected-from-july-to-december.html?emc=eta1

Well that's it.  The bucket has been dumped.  A catharsis..   Now...gotta go meet and greet and ride my bike.

--

****

Juan

 
I have built my organization upon fear.
-- Al Capone

Something to Know - 12 January

1.  Many of you will be watching the NFL playoffs today.  Many of you don't really care for the concussion derby.  Some of you would rather take an I.Q. Test - so, have at it:

http://www.pewresearch.org/quiz/the-news-iq-quiz/

2.  Maureen Dowd brings forth her assessment of the Christie display of the Jersey Humbleness.  She still does not trust the guy....and why should she?

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/12/opinion/sunday/dowd-thunder-road.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20140112&_r=0

--

****

Juan

 
I am not a crook.
-- Richard M. Nixon

Andy Borowitz and Gail Collins

JANUARY 11, 2014

CHRISTIE UNAWARE HE WAS THE GOVERNOR

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—At a hastily called press conference today, Chris Christie revealed that he only became aware that he was the governor of New Jersey in the past seventy-two hours.

"Unbeknownst to me, some people I thought I could trust were secretly working to elect me governor of this state," a visibly stunned Christie told reporters. "I have acted swiftly and fired them all."

While asserting that he had terminated all of the people who were involved in the scheme to elect him, he said that, if he finds additional conspirators, "I will deal with them accordingly."

Christie struggled to explain how he remained in the dark about being governor, a position he has held since 2010: "I guess I'm just not much of a detail person. People think I'm a micromanager. I'm not. If a bunch of people are going behind my back and plotting to make me the governor, that's not the kind of thing I pick up on."

Reflecting on his reaction to the news that he is the governor of New Jersey, Christie said he felt "angry, embarrassed, and humiliated, but mainly just sad."

"It's sad that this was allowed to happen," he said. "It's a sad situation for me and for New Jersey."

__________________________

Now, for Ms. Collins:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/11/opinion/imagining-president-christie.html?emc=eta1

--

****

Juan

 
There should be at least one leak like the Pentagon Papers every year.
-- Daniel Ellsberg

Something to Know - 10 January

1.  Edward Snowden.   The NSA would really prefer that we quit talking about him.  It makes them uncomfortable.   My take, so far, is that Snowden is the modern-day embodiment of "civil disobedience" in the way that H.D. Thoreau describes.  This is the short-form from Wikipedia (edited) - "Civil disobedience is the active, professed refusal to obey certain laws, demands, and commands of a government, or of an occupying international power. Civil disobedience is commonly, though not always, defined as being nonviolent resistance. It is one form of civil resistance. In one view it could be said that it is compassion in the form of respectful disagreement.":

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/10/world/europe/eu-panel-invites-snowden.html?emc=eta1

2.  David Brooks offers up a column that would seem to try and nudge the current GeeOpie into returning itself to the status of the GOP.  With this proposed change, maybe the "conservative" members of Congress (the House in particular) would get off of its agenda of shutting down government and doing nothing.   There is a need for government to function, and it needs to address the inequality that exists today:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/10/opinion/brooks-movement-on-the-right.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20140110

3.  The New Jersey governor bloviated yesterday, almost as good as a John Goodman gasbag movie character, about his innocence.   The fact is that he fired his top aides who did the dirty deeds "without his knowledge of the affair".  He never questioned them about how it happened, and who knew about it, and were there others involved - he just fired them because "he did not feel any need to keep them around any longer".  "They were guilty of abject stupidity".  Is that the extent of the investigation of an able and capable administrator?   Hell No!  If it is the Feds who start an investigation and find even the slightest taint of a Mr. Christie false claim - this guy is toast - enough toasted bread to feed all the hungry for a week:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/10/opinion/after-chris-christies-performance.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20140110

--

****

Juan

 
There should be at least one leak like the Pentagon Papers every year.
-- Daniel Ellsberg

Something to Know - 9 January

1.  It is time to get back to the Congress and the business of the people.   Wish that were true.  However, it makes sense to try.  The GeeOpie is trying to make some drama about how it is really bad to extend unemployment benefits to the jobless.  The NY TImes has something to say about that:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/06/opinion/republican-disdain-for-the-jobless.html?emc=eta1

2.  From the Albany/Berkeley news bureau, we have this SF Chronicle article on the residual shock of Edward Snowden's revelations of the NSA operations.  Sure, the government says he broke laws that are on the books, and should therefore be regarded as a treasonous criminal.  However, the government writes those laws to specifically scare and punish those would be so bold as to demonstrate the misdeeds of our leaders and institutions.   I am still in the camp that regards Snowden as one who snitched on just how bad we are.   The White House and the entrenched institutions are in deep fear of Snowden letting loose with more "alarming" news.   Snowden probably has a stash of flash drives in a hidden cigar box that our government would really prefer never to see the light of day.  However, do you notice all the tangos and two-steps that the NSA and security folks are doing to try and show that they really, really are doing things to keep us safe?"

http://www.sfchronicle.com/entertainment/carroll/article/The-Snowden-Affair-no-second-act-yet-5122383.php?t=1823dd5057

--

****

Juan

 
There should be at least one leak like the Pentagon Papers every year.
-- Daniel Ellsberg

Andy Borowitz

• JANUARY 9, 2014

CHRISTIE URGES MEDIA TO FOCUS ON WEIGHT

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lashed out at the media today, saying that it had "failed to focus on the single most important issue regarding me, which is my weight."

At a press conference in Trenton, Christie yelled at a room full of reporters, accusing them of doing the public a disservice by not devoting all of their coverage of him to the issue of his body mass.

"How much I've weighed in the past, how much I weigh now, and how much I'm eating—that's all you clowns should be writing about," he yelled. "Anything else is just a distraction."

Adopting a threatening tone, Christie told the reporters, "If you know what's good for you, your next story will be about how tubby I am."

The governor made only one reference to the notorious bridge-closing scandal, offering this alibi: "At the time that decision was made, I was busy shouting at a teacher."

--

****

Juan

 
White lies always introduce others of a darker complexion.
-- William S. Paley

Andy Borowitz

JANUARY 6, 2014

POLAR VORTEX CAUSES HUNDREDS OF INJURIES AS PEOPLE MAKING SNIDE REMARKS ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE ARE PUNCHED IN FACE

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—The so-called polar vortex caused hundreds of injuries across the Midwest today, as people who said "so much for global warming" and similar comments were punched in the face.

Authorities in several states said that residents who had made ignorant comments erroneously citing the brutally cold temperatures as proof that climate change did not exist were reporting a sharp increase in injuries to the face and head regions.

In an emergency room in St. Paul, Harland Dorrinson, forty-one, was waiting to be treated for bruising to the facial area after he made a crack about how the below-freezing temperatures meant that climate-change activists were full of shit.

"I'd just finished saying it and boom, out of nowhere someone punched me in the face," he said. "This polar vortex is really dangerous."

The meteorology professor Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, issued a safety warning to residents of the states hammered by the historic low temperatures: "If you are living within the range of the polar vortex and you have something idiotic to say about climate change, do not leave your house."

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Juan

 
White lies always introduce others of a darker complexion.
-- William S. Paley