TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—At a hastily called press conference today, Chris Christie revealed that he only became aware that he was the governor of New Jersey in the past seventy-two hours.
"Unbeknownst to me, some people I thought I could trust were secretly working to elect me governor of this state," a visibly stunned Christie told reporters. "I have acted swiftly and fired them all."
While asserting that he had terminated all of the people who were involved in the scheme to elect him, he said that, if he finds additional conspirators, "I will deal with them accordingly."
Christie struggled to explain how he remained in the dark about being governor, a position he has held since 2010: "I guess I'm just not much of a detail person. People think I'm a micromanager. I'm not. If a bunch of people are going behind my back and plotting to make me the governor, that's not the kind of thing I pick up on."
Reflecting on his reaction to the news that he is the governor of New Jersey, Christie said he felt "angry, embarrassed, and humiliated, but mainly just sad."
"It's sad that this was allowed to happen," he said. "It's a sad situation for me and for New Jersey."