PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report) — North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un announced on state television today that he believes the pop star Justin Bieber is "just a few arrests away" from visiting North Korea as his friend.
"Justin, if you are watching right now, this is my message to you," Kim said. "I stand ready and willing to be your B.F.F."
The mercurial Kim said that he would seek Mr. Bieber's aid in boosting North Korea's slumping pop-music industry, which has failed to generate any hits comparable to South Korea's "Gangnam Style."
"Justin Bieber could be our Minister of Culture," he said.
The dictator said he understood that Mr. Bieber's fans were concerned about the direction the singer was heading of late, but he offered this reassurance: "He is heading to North Korea. It's all good."
They didn't have a problem with me being wild and crazy when it came time to fill the arenas. -- Dennis Rodman