Monday, June 30, 2014

Andy Borowitz


The Borowitz Report

JUNE 30, 2014

SUPREME COURT MAJORITY CALLS CASE A DISPUTE BETWEEN WOMEN AND PEOPLE

POSTED BY 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—By a 5–4 vote on Monday, the United States Supreme Court settled a dispute that Justice Samuel Alito said was "at its core about the rights of women versus the rights of people."

Writing for the majority, Justice Alito wrote, "It is the duty of this Court, whenever it sees that the rights of people are being threatened, to do our best to safeguard those rights. In this case, it is clear that people's rights were being threatened by women."

Acknowledging that some women "might argue that they, too, have some claim to being people," Justice Alito wrote, "That is an interesting question for another day."

While the Court's decision caused an uproar across the country, it received a big thumbs-up from one of the Justices who voted with the majority, Antonin Scalia.

"This has been a crappy year or so around here, what with all that gay-marriage stuff, but at least we finished strong," he said.


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Juan
 
 
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
-- Conan O'Brien

Something to Know - 30 June

Rob Rogers

1.  Hindsight is a great tool to review what went wrong.  It provides guidance to set policy for the future.  Case in point - Blackwater contract security in Iraq.   The  Bush-Cheney mindset of contracting out services in the war zone is the subject.  From K.P duty, catering, transport of logistical supplies, to many other services is open to question.  In this article, it is James Risen who is opening up the festering pus of a contractor-gone-wild.  Overcharging, a culture of war-minded zealots, and creating a harmful image of US policy is what we got.  Do we learn from this?:

2.  New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, seems to be infested with a layer of sleaze at his every turn.  Try as he may to improve his public image, he looms large as a carrier of questionable ethics:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/30/opinion/gov-christies-money-trail.html?emc=eta1

3.  Hindsight comes up again.  Ideology is a great theme to work by in the pursuit of making things better.  ALEC is an ideology for the rigid conservatives to change all levels of governance.  Paul Krugman questions the purveyors of ALEC, and has proof that it all comes to no good for everyone:
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Juan
 
 
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
-- Conan O'Brien

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Andy Borowitz (,,,,and Ann Coulters biggest fear)

The Borowitz Report

JUNE 29, 2014

PLAN TO REPLACE AMERICAN FOOTBALL WITH SOCCER 'ON TRACK,' SAYS EUROPE

POSTED BY 

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BRUSSELS (The Borowitz Report)—A ten-year European plan to gradually phase out American football in the United States and replace it with soccer is "very much on track," a spokesman for the European Union confirmed today.

The E.U. spokesman, Alf-Jergen Holmboe, said the replacement of American football with soccer was the third in a three-step plan to transform the U.S. into a European country.

"The first two steps were electing a socialist President and instituting national health care," he said. "Once soccer replaces football, our work will be done."

Holmboe said that the E.U. could take no credit for the legalization of gay marriage in the United States, but called it "a very welcome development." He added, "Once a country has socialism, national health care, and gay marriage, soccer is usually next."

The spokesman offered no timetable for eliminating baseball, but indicated that it was "in the works."


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Juan
 

Friday, June 27, 2014

Something to Know - 27 June

Mike Luckovich

1.  David Brooks usually contributes a worthwhile read.  This one is no exception.  No attempt to define an an appropriate introduction is possible in one sentence:

2.  This story points out the hypocrisy of a group of people who take their attempt to resolve medical issues on their own, but who are rebuffed and criminalized by a nation and lawmaker hellbent on locking them up:

3.  Located deep in the trash pit of Fox News, probably somewhere in the cracks of the couch upon which the Goons of Fox pontificate, there is a rascal of a pest known as Ann Coulter. This Trans-Gender Rush Limbaugh pops up now and then to the delight of Roger Ailes's  definition of the Theater of the Absurd:

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Something to Know - 26 June

Tom Toles

1.  Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that warrantless searches of cellphones by police is unconstitutional.   It is apparent that each judge on this high court has a stake in this argument, since each one can imagine how invasive the search is if he/she were the victim.   Imagine the how the Robert's Court would rule if the usual conservative majority had the same empathy for ethnic minority voters in the South who find it difficult to register and vote, or as pregnant women who are unable and willing to follow through on their condition, or to the general population that is fed up with the ease of acquiring any gun without controls?   Just imagine:

2.  The outcome to the recent Mississippi senate election is something that will always be talked about, especially in classes on American Politics.   It was a spectacle that criss-crossed party lines and ideologies.  It may be recognized as the point where the stake was driven that became a wedge that broke the GeeOpie:

3.  In a country where patriotism is often defined with big expensive fleets of jets screaming over the field as the band plays and the flags fly.  Our masculine definition of world leadership gets tangled with hawks who go anywhere to do anything with our pantry of military industrial complex hardware.   Being patient and pragmatic with the tools of soft diplomacy is not sexy at all, and that is Obama's problem with how he is perceived.   But, you know, it turns out to be the the better path:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/26/opinion/nicholas-kristof-obamas-weakness-or-ours.html?emc=eta1

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Juan
 
 
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Something to Know - 25 June

Clay Bennett

 This is the next Tea Party vs. Republican Party confrontation to watch.    Will this be a Mississippi revisited scenario, or will the Tea Baggers pull it off.  Film on August 7 and the next morning:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/26/us/politics/tennessee-tea-party-lamar-alexander-senate-republican-primary.html?emc=edit_cn_20140625&nl=us&nlid=2318049&_r=0
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Juan
 
 
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen

Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report

JUNE 25, 2014

BOEHNER CALLS OBAMA'S PRACTICE OF ACCOMPLISHING THINGS UNCONSTITUTIONAL

POSTED BY 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio) said today that he plans to sue President Obama for violating the United States Constitution with what Boehner called "his outrageous practice of accomplishing things."

"The United States Constitution guarantees the American people that its government will be free from activity," Boehner told reporters. "Again and again, President Obama has broken that sacred trust."

Ripping the President for his "willful insistence on doing things," Speaker Boehner said that his lawsuit was intended "to restore the inaction and inertia that have been the hallmarks of our democracy."

The Speaker acknowledged that suing the President was an extreme measure, but added, "I take this step only after exhausting every other method to prevent him from getting anything done."

Concluding his remarks, Boehner said that he hoped his lawsuit would send a "powerful message" to President Obama: "If you stubbornly continue to take actions that result in tangible outcomes, you will be very, very sorry."


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Juan
 
 
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report

JUNE 24, 2014

IRAQ TO HAVE UNITY GOVERNMENT BEFORE U.S.

POSTED BY 

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BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—In a meeting with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki on Monday, Secretary of State John Kerry stressed the importance of forming a unity government in Iraq but refused to commit to a timetable for creating one in the United States.

The sensitive topic of a unity government for the United States came at the end of a thirty-minute meeting, during which Secretary Kerry lectured the Iraqi Prime Minister about the value of a government "where people of different parties put aside their differences, make meaningful compromises, and work together for the good of the nation."

Taking this in, al-Maliki agreed that it was an excellent idea and politely asked Secretary Kerry if the United States had ever considered forming such a government.

According to observers, Kerry appeared to be caught off guard by this question and blurted out,"You first."

Despite that awkward moment, after the meeting Kerry said that he had not "totally slammed the door" on the idea of a unity government in the United States.

"Let's just get one formed in Iraq," he said. "If it works out for them, maybe someday we'll give it a try."



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Juan
 
 
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen

Something to Know - 24 June

Jack Ohman

1.  Putting events of today, and recalling events of the past, this article by Robin Wright (not the same Robin Wright who plays Frank Underwood's wife on TV's House of Cards) is where we are right now.  Iraq is in need of new governance, but not one that is based on the same sectarian tensions between Sunnis and Shiites as in other sectors of the region.   The House of Cards needs to be reassembled using the same factors that Bush, Cheney, Rumsfield, and Bremmer blasted apart in their failed "mission accomplished" debacle:

2.  Intransigent and crotchety institutions usually fail to keep up with the times.   Their lack of vision usually prevents the evolution necessary to meet the needs of the present, and certainly the future.  Failure to adapt will almost certainly guarantee irrelevance and extinction.  Case in point:

3.  Okay...  The average person can perhaps understand the above #1, and #2 issues.  This entry completely ignores that stuff and goes right to science, and does not give a hoot about politics, wars, theology, or moral values.   If you can recall the original ENIAC ($500,000 and the size of an average CVS pharmacy), to what it has evolved to now - a couple hundred dollars and fits in the palm of your hand, you then knew what binary code was, and that everything translated into a distinct series of ones and zeros.   Where does this go now, you may ask?  Quantum Computing, which assigns an algorithm of meaning to an arrangement of the coding.   If you can understand any of this, you are on the wrong planet.  If you don't understand, you might give this a shot and then you can always say that you've heard about it.   Because, in several years, the average 12-year old will be writing the code that we will all live by:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/24/technology/microsoft-makes-a-bet-on-quantum-computing-research.html?emc=eta1

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Juan
 
 
No computer is ever going to ask a new, reasonable question. It takes trained people to do that.
-- Grace Hopper

Monday, June 23, 2014

Something to Know - 23 June

Ben Sargent

1.  Wondering where our future investigative journalists are coming from is a big worry, as we see the decline in the news paper industry.   It is my real belief that it is the well-schooled and hard-core nitty gritty investigative journalist who keeps this country honest.  As a group, they are the conscience of this nation.  Without them, we would not know about Watergate, Pentagon Papers, NSA snooping, and any number of political shenanigans going on every day.   Michael Isikoff is an example of those who have gone from NPR to NBC to ....well the media that is slowly replacing the printed news.   Perhaps, this will be the future of muckraking, and an internship at Yahoo will be the bedrock of keeping everybody honest in the future:

2.  I have been saving this article for an appropriate opportunity.  Can't find one, so it you get it now.   If you watched the Showtime series Years of Living Dangerously, you saw what the industry of Coconut Oil has done to the global environment.  Malaysia has cut down its rain forests, exporting the lumber, then exporting tons of greenhouse gases in the burning of the remains so that Coconut trees can be planted to harvest the resulting oil.   In the burning process of the land, just imagine that there is a large layer of peat that has formed over the eons that smolders and burns for days, weeks and months - more gases (including methane) up into the atmosphere.   The usable life of a coconut tree is about 25 years, and then it is cut down, then burned, and presto - more gas is released.  This article, which praises the oil of the coconut, is why millions of acres of a far off land are being abused for the sake of capitalistic greed.  The destruction of rain forests in Brazil, the  Philippines, and Malaysia by big Agriculture Corporations is part of the problem of our dangerous living practices.   Just sayin':

3.  Getting back to politics, we have the Albany New Bureau  (All Ben), offering up a resident neighbor's view on the distorted logic of the GeeOpie:
http://www.sfchronicle.com/opinion/reich/article/The-3-biggest-right-wing-lies-about-poverty-5568197.php?t=1c3fb8c1cb

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Juan
 
 
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Something to Know - June 22

Signe Wilkinson

1.  This is about the "Climate Change/Global Warming" issue.   However, this is not Bill McKibben preaching to the choir kind of stuff.   This is an op-ed by a member of the Republican Party (not the GeeOpie), who is a Harvard educated, Big Wall Street Goldman Sachs Scion, who was a Secretary of the Treasury under Shrub the 43rd.   This is what is needed to get movement going to affect change in public policy to meet the challenges of our deteriorating environment.   By explaining that it is a "conservative" effort, and that his party should get on board immediately.  This is preaching to the sinners.  Hopefully it works, or we are doomed:

2.  This article is about the world of Big-time Hacking.  The kind that does bad stuff with your privacy and financial affairs.   It can be the small potatoes on individual desk-top devices, or the stuff that invades bankers and secret government strategies or weapons systems.   Sure, it is serious stuff, but this reads like a video game of Super Mario Brothers or Spy vs. Spy:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/22/sunday-review/hackers-find-new-ways-to-breach-computer-security.html?emc=eta1

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Juan
 
 
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report

JUNE 21, 2014

BUSH CREATES PAINTING OF WHAT HE IMAGINES IRAQ IS LIKE TODAY

POSTED BY 

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DALLAS (The Borowitz Report)—President George W. Bush unveiled his latest offering as an artist today—a painting of what he imagines Iraq looks like now.

Talking to reporters at the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas, the President said he did not read the news before composing his latest work. "I was never big on that," he said.

Pronouncing himself pleased with his painting of Iraq, Mr. Bush said he was getting to work on a new painting entitled, "The World's Really Nice Climate."

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Juan
 
 
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen

Friday, June 20, 2014

Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report

JUNE 20, 2014

IN RARE CONSENSUS, SUNNIS AND SHIITES TELL CHENEY TO SHUT UP

POSTED BY 

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BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—In a development that offers a faint glimmer of hope for Iraq, both Sunnis and Shiites are finding common ground in the view that former Vice-President Dick Cheney seriously needs to shut up.

In the days following the publication, this week, of a Wall Street Journal op-ed piece about Iraq that Cheney wrote with his daughter Liz, hatred of the former Vice-President has, to the surprise of many, become the first thing that Sunnis and Shiites have agreed upon in centuries.

Iraqi observers in recent days have reported seeing both Sunnis and Shiites reading the Cheneys' op-ed then tearing it to shreds in a rage.

"Cheney is an ass!" a Sunni merchant reportedly exclaimed in a Baghdad market on Thursday, to the resounding cheers of several Shiites nearby.

"Historically, it's been challenging to find anything that Sunnis and Shiites agree on," said Sabah al-Alousi, a history professor at the University of Baghdad. "That's why their apparent consensus that Dick Cheney needs to shut the hell up is so significant."

Visiting Baghdad on Friday, Secretary of State John Kerry said that the joint Sunni-Shiite calls for Dick Cheney to shut his pie hole were a cause for optimism.

"If Dick Cheney winds up being the one thing that brings Sunnis and Shiites together, the United States owes him a debt of thanks," he said, adding that the two sects' view of the former Vice-President was also shared by the Kurds.


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Juan
 
 
We draw our strength from the very despair in which we have been forced to live. We shall endure.
-- Cesar Chavez

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Fwd: Something to Know - 19 June



---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Juan Matute <juanma2t@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Jun 19, 2014 at 5:00 PM
Subject: Something to Know - 19 June
To: Juan Matute <juanma2t@gmail.com>

LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN


Joe Heller

1.  The reaction to a former vice president's blistering attack on the current president is in itself as big an issue as the return of violence in Iraq.   Several "conservative" luminaries have spoken about the fact that we were lied to, and that the Bush-Cheney-Rice-Wolfowitz cabal was all wrong.  This NY Times piece speaks to all of this:

2.  Nicolas Kristof speaks along the same theme, but is more specific as to the cost, the futile military exercise, and the errors of the past.  He's right, and the cheerleaders (including our own Sen. Diane Feinstein) for returning to battle are wrong:

3.  If oil was part of the equation on the immigrants from Guatemala, Honduras, and other parts of Central America entering this country, maybe more attention would be focused on a very large problems that is closer to home than Iraq.   The problem is that very few people are aware of the exact problem, the size of the problem, and inadequate response we have to the problem.   What is the problem, here is just a glimpse:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/19/us/border-centers-struggle-to-handle-onslaught-of-children-crossers.html?emc=eta1
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Juan
 
 
We draw our strength from the very despair in which we have been forced to live. We shall endure.
-- Cesar Chavez




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Something to Know - 19 June

Joe Heller

1.  The reaction to a former vice president's blistering attack on the current president is in itself as big an issue as the return of violence in Iraq.   Several "conservative" luminaries have spoken about the fact that we were lied to, and that the Bush-Cheney-Rice-Wolfowitz cabal was all wrong.  This NY Times piece speaks to all of this:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/19/opinion/charles-blow-the-gall-of-dick-cheney.html?emc=eta1&_r=0

2.  Nicolas Kristof speaks along the same theme, but is more specific as to the cost, the futile military exercise, and the errors of the past.  He's right, and the cheerleaders (including our own Sen. Diane Feinstein) for returning to battle are wrong:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/19/opinion/nicholas-kristof-on-iraq-echoes-of-2003.html?emc=eta1

3.  If oil was part of the equation on the immigrants from Guatemala, Honduras, and other parts of Central America entering this country, maybe more attention would be focused on a very large problems that is closer to home than Iraq.   The problem is that very few people are aware of the exact problem, the size of the problem, and inadequate response we have to the problem.   What is the problem, here is just a glimpse:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/19/us/border-centers-struggle-to-handle-onslaught-of-children-crossers.html?emc=eta1
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Juan
 
 
We draw our strength from the very despair in which we have been forced to live. We shall endure.
-- Cesar Chavez

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Something to Know - 17 June

Rob Rogers

1.  The advances in technology are amazing.   What we are able to do now, as opposed to 50 years ago - very amazing.   This new program launched by Starbucks takes the innovations of technology with what we should now be doing into one project.   There is the old standard argument by elite colleges and universities that a bricks-and-mortar residential experience is the best system- and yes I would agree.   However, only a very few can qualify or afford that experience.  There is an extremely large group of potential students, who can benefit from a quality education from a serious program on the Internet.  This is a program to watch:

2.  The biggest natural element that is toxic in our world is not (1) Carbon and greenhouse gases, or  (2) The proliferation of guns and the resulting killing and mayhem.  No - the biggest obstacle to tackle and overcome is IGNORANCE and resulting stupidity.  This failure and its resulting negligence and dereliction of duty is found in our Congressional representative.  If and when this ignorance is eliminated, we may have a chance to apply a modicum of governance to resolve our other problems:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/17/opinion/legislating-ignorance-about-guns.html?emc=eta1
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Juan
 
 
The President's speech suggested to me that were we to follow his leadership, we will be in Iraq not for months, but for years. I also hope I am wrong on this.
-- Daniel Inouye

Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report

JUNE 17, 2014

DICK CHENEY: "MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH THE IRAQI OIL WELLS"

POSTED BY 

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JACKSON HOLE, WYOMING (The Borowitz Report)—Former Vice-President Dick Cheney broke his silence about the crisis in Iraq on Tuesday, telling reporters, "My thoughts and prayers are with the Iraqi oil wells."

Speaking from his Wyoming ranch, Cheney said that he had planned to remain quiet about the current state of affairs in Iraq, but "thinking about those oil wells has kept me up at night."

"If Dick Cheney won't speak for the Iraqi oil wells, who will?" he said.

Cheney indicated that, as of now, there was no fighting near Iraq's oil wells, but warned, "If the violence spreads, those wells could be in jeopardy. And it's up to the international community to insure that that worst-case scenario doesn't happen."

The former Vice-President said that he expected to "catch hell" for inserting himself into the debate about Iraq, but was resolute in his decision to do so. "If I prevent one drop of precious oil from being spilled, it will have been worth it," he said.



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Juan
 
 
The President's speech suggested to me that were we to follow his leadership, we will be in Iraq not for months, but for years. I also hope I am wrong on this.
-- Daniel Inouye

Monday, June 16, 2014

Something to Know - 16 June

Stuart Carlson
1.  Iraq is front and center in the news.  That image that we have of Bush on the aircraft carrier, proclaiming that the US and its allies have prevailed - "Mission Accomplished" is coming back to haunt us.  Pat Robertson, of all people, is all over the Bush-Cheney agenda.  Who knows what this will do to affect the sales price of his paintings:

2.  The debate of our options, involvement, and understanding of where we go from here with the ISIS presence in Iraq is the subject of this discussion:

3.  In this Global economy, the wealthy of the world are actually responsible for much of what ails each and every nation.   It is the tax havens that protect the wealthy from paying into the systems that widens the gap of inequality.  Here is how it goes:
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Juan
 
 
The President's speech suggested to me that were we to follow his leadership, we will be in Iraq not for months, but for years. I also hope I am wrong on this.
-- Daniel Inouye

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Something to Know - 15 June

Tom Toles

1.  Obama's favorite critics have gone ape over the release of 5 Gitmo detainees for Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl.   Where were these same guys when Bush and his administration did the same thing?   Explore this question in this link:

2.  Iraq, after all the loss of American lives and resources, the place is collapsing.  The very units that our military equipped and trained to protect the Iraqi nation have thrown down their uniforms and arms.......and run from duty.  ISIS - the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria is on the move.  This rebel faction is said to be worse than the Taliban and wickedly cruel.  In my opinion, we are not in a position to go back in there and risk one more life.  We have done all that can be humanly expected, and there is not reason to think that we have any business in an area where the citizenry cannot help itself.   That being said, a situation is arising that is creating strange bedfellows, and may possibly bring the nations of Iran (IRAN) and the United States closer together.  This is a worthy read:

3.  From the Santa Cruz news bureau, we get this article about how one faction of the fractured GeeOpie is attempting to revive itself:
 
4.  This news article concerns the deplorable state of affairs that exist in Honduras, and the rest of parts of Central America.  The cruelty to humanity is contributing to the mass migration of people northward, through Mexico, and illegally into the United States.   This condition is exacerbating our already overburdened capabilities.  This piece give you some understanding:
http://www.latimes.com/nation/la-na-texas-border-chaos-20140614-story.html#page=1

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Juan
 
 
Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed.
-- George W. Bush

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl

CNN Breaking News

5:21 PM (4 hours ago)

The U.S. Army has appointed a two-star general to investigate how and why Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl left his base in Afghanistan, resulting in his capture, a senior defense official says. 

Bergdahl spent five years in captivity until his release about two weeks ago, in exchange for five Taliban figures held at the U.S. military detention facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Bergdahl returned to the United States -- specifically to an Army medical facility in San Antonio, Texas -- early Friday.


This is interesting.  Under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, there are three type of Court Martial.   A General Court Martial is what most people, who have seen the movies, are familiar with.   However, there are two others.   A Special Court Martial is one that is comprised of three or more officers and a military judge, and a Summary Court Martial is just one officer who does all the judge, jury, and decision.  In my Army days, I was a Summary Court officer, so you can assume that it is just the lower-end of the seriousness spectrum.   The appointment by the Pentagon of a two-star officer to investigate, as it is being done in this instance, is to investigate the matter to determine if in fact an actual military infraction has, or has not occurred.  If there is an issue that is violation of proper conduct, then this two-star officer will refer the matter to the appropriate degree of military justice.   For more information on this process, here is a good link: - http://www.military.com/benefits/military-legal-matters/courts-martial-explained.html    Now, it may be wise for the goons-on-the-couch at Fox News to shut up and let this matter be handled as it should be.

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Juan
 
 
I tried being reasonable, I didn't like it.
-- Clint Eastwood

Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report

JUNE 14, 2014

MCCAIN CALLS FOR EMERGENCY BLAME GAME ON IRAQ

POSTED BY 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Citing the deteriorating situation in the war-torn nation, Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) on Saturday called for Congress to convene an emergency blame game on Iraq.

"This is a dire crisis," McCain said. "It's time to roll up our sleeves and do some serious finger-pointing."

McCain said that he hoped Congress would act swiftly to assign blame to a long list of culprits he identified, including President Obama, the Joint Chiefs, the media, and everyone who did not vote for him in the 2008 election.

The Arizona senator stressed that the blame game must be "rigorous and far-reaching," but said that it would exempt those in the Senate who voted to invade Iraq in 2003. "That's ancient history," he said.

Concluding his remarks, he offered these words of reassurance to the Iraqi people: "As long as I have breath, I will use it to find fault with others."


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Juan
 
 
We cannot forever hide the truth about ourselves, from ourselves.
-- John McCain

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Andy Borowitz

As we all anticipated.   The Op-Ed World has had time to digest the demise of Eric Cantor and come forward with opinions and analysis.   SeƱor Borowitz is no exception:

The Borowitz Report

JUNE 12, 2014

BOEHNER ANNOUNCES AMBITIOUS PLAN TO AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH CANTOR

POSTED BY 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) unveiled an ambitious plan on Thursday to avoid making eye contact with outgoing House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) until Rep. Cantor leaves Congress, in January of 2015.

Speaking to reporters, Boehner acknowledged the difficulty of avoiding eye contact with the Virginia Republican for the next seven months, but he stressed the importance of his new plan.

"If I make eye contact with him, he might misconstrue that to mean that I want to talk to him," Boehner said. "And, let's be honest, none of us has to do that anymore."

The House Speaker said that the success of his plan depended largely on avoiding places Cantor might be. "Fortunately, neither of us is in the office very often, so that should make it easier," he said.

Boehner ended his remarks abruptly when he saw Cantor coming down the hall and darted into a janitor's closet.

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Juan
 
 
I tried being reasonable, I didn't like it.
-- Clint Eastwood

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Andy Borowitz

For the past two days I had no internet service.  Long story short, I had Apple Help (for my airport express base station) and Time Warner Cable on the line from 9 am to 5 pm, and nothing worked.  Went to bed last night, but awoke early, like 4 am....thinking about cable networking from my TWC coax through my system to my airport router.   A light went on, and I recalled that underneath my pile of cables in the back of my "entertainment" case, I had a Netgear Router, through which my internet feed had to pass.  I was given an additional modem for my Internet signal from TWC yesterday afternoon, to work me through until a TWC tech could come on Friday  (problem started on Monday).   My system now has two separate modems from TWC (one for phone and a new one for Internet), I also have two routers (Netgear and Airport Express).   If you don't get the cabling right....it does not work.  SO - ..... I did not relay any news, even thought I have an iPad, but it is impossible to cut and paste draft stuff and email to groups.   So, here is Andy.   The news about the GeeOpie's serious problems right now, kind of made up for my frustrations.   And, so it goes.....Hi Ho !


The Borowitz Report

JUNE 11, 2014

MORNING AFTER TEA PARTY WIN, HOUSE G.O.P. PROPOSES END TO SOCIAL SECURITY, RETURN TO CHILD LABOR, GUN RIGHTS FOR PETS

POSTED BY 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The morning after Tuesday's stunning Tea Party victory in Virginia, House Republicans unveiled a sweeping new legislative agenda, proposing an end to Social Security, a return to child labor, and unprecedented gun rights for pets.

"The Republican Party is the party of common sense," said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). "And such common-sense proposals as electronic ankle bracelets for immigrant babies and a barbed-wire fence with Canada are long overdue."

Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) echoed Speaker Boehner's sentiments as he touted his signature legislation, "to put Americans under the age of twelve back to work."

"Instead of spending all day playing with Xboxes, our kids should be in factories assembling them," he said.

As for what is perhaps the most controversial G.O.P. proposal, guaranteeing gun rights for pets, Boehner said, "It's clear that the authors of the Second Amendment meant it to apply to all mammals. All our new law says is, if you have four legs and a tail, you get a gun."

When asked about future relations between House Republicans and President Obama, Boehner did not mince words. "If the President thinks he's going to get the kind of cooperation and flexibility he's gotten out of us for the past six years, he's kidding himself," he said. "The honeymoon is over."



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Juan
 
I tried being reasonable, I didn't like it.
-- Clint Eastwood