JACKSON HOLE, WYOMING (The Borowitz Report)—Former Vice-President Dick Cheney broke his silence about the crisis in Iraq on Tuesday, telling reporters, "My thoughts and prayers are with the Iraqi oil wells."
Speaking from his Wyoming ranch, Cheney said that he had planned to remain quiet about the current state of affairs in Iraq, but "thinking about those oil wells has kept me up at night."
"If Dick Cheney won't speak for the Iraqi oil wells, who will?" he said.
Cheney indicated that, as of now, there was no fighting near Iraq's oil wells, but warned, "If the violence spreads, those wells could be in jeopardy. And it's up to the international community to insure that that worst-case scenario doesn't happen."
The former Vice-President said that he expected to "catch hell" for inserting himself into the debate about Iraq, but was resolute in his decision to do so. "If I prevent one drop of precious oil from being spilled, it will have been worth it," he said.
The President's speech suggested to me that were we to follow his leadership, we will be in Iraq not for months, but for years. I also hope I am wrong on this.