Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
White House in Panic Mode After TV Star with Racist Twitter Feed Loses Job
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House was reportedly in panic mode Tuesday afternoon, shortly after news broke that a television star with a racist Twitter feed had been fired.
According to a White House source, Donald J. Trump immediately huddled with close advisers to discuss the firing, which, staffers agreed, "set an ominous new precedent."
"We've been living under assumption that a TV personality could tweet out as many racist things as he or she wanted with no consequences," the source said. "Now, all of a sudden, our worst nightmare has come true."
White House staffers are reportedly combing through Trump's thirty-seven thousand tweets, searching for ones that could be deemed fireable offenses, and have so far flagged more than thirty-six thousand of them.
Many on Trump's team are urging calm, however, claiming that the dismissal of one racist TV star could be an "isolated example."
"The only people who can fire Donald Trump right now are congressional Republicans, and they don't have the high moral standards that TV executives have," the source said.
Saturday, May 26, 2018
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Monday, May 21, 2018
Public Demands Investigation of Why F.B.I. Infiltrators in Trump Campaign Failed to Prevent Him from Being Elected
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are demanding an investigation into why, if F.B.I. operatives managed to infiltrate the 2016 Trump campaign, they utterly failed to prevent a nightmarish despot from being elected.
In interviews across the country, Americans expressed dismay and, in some cases, despair at the news that F.B.I. infiltrators might have had a golden opportunity to prevent the nation's current unspeakable nightmare from unfolding but did not get the job done.
"The thought of F.B.I. infiltrators being inside the Trump campaign but not sabotaging it is, in a word, devastating," Carol Foyler, of Akron, Ohio, said. "If it turns out to be true, I will totally lose my faith in F.B.I. infiltrators."
Harland Dorrinson, of St. Petersburg, Florida, agreed. "If F.B.I. infiltrators were in a position to derail the most heinous threat to democracy in American history but didn't succeed for some reason, that would be bigger than Watergate," he said.
Tracy Klugian, of Denver, Colorado, said that a "full and exhaustive investigation" is needed to "determine why our system of F.B.I. infiltrators preventing a horrific proto-fascist menace from taking office somehow broke down."
"We need to find out what went wrong and fix it before the 2020 election," he said. "I won't be able to sleep at night until I know that F.B.I. operatives are infiltrating Trump's reëlection campaign and irreparably crippling it."
Friday, May 18, 2018
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
Obama's Barrage of Complete Sentences Seen as Brutal Attack on Trump
CHICAGO (The Borowitz Report)—In an appearance at the University of Chicago on Monday, former President Barack Obama unloaded a relentless barrage of complete sentences in what was widely seen as a brutal attack on his successor, Donald Trump.
Appearing at his first public event since leaving office, Obama fired off a punishing fusillade of grammatically correct sentences, the likes of which the American people have not heard from the White House since he departed.
"He totally restricted his speech to complete sentences," Tracy Klugian, a student at the event, said. "It was the most vicious takedown of Trump I'd ever seen."
"About five or six sentences in, I noticed that all of his sentences had both nouns and verbs in them," Carol Foyler, another student, said. "I couldn't believe he was going after Trump like that."
Obama's blistering deployment of complete sentences clearly got under the skin of their intended target, who, moments after the event, responded with an angry tweet: "Obama bad (or sick) guy. Failing. Sad!"
G.O.P. Unveils Immigration Plan: "We Must Make America Somewhere No One Wants to Live"
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell unveiled his party's long-awaited plan on immigration on Wednesday, telling reporters, "We must make America somewhere no one wants to live."
Appearing with House Speaker John Boehner, McConnell said that, in contrast to President Obama's "Band-Aid fixes," the Republican plan would address "the root cause of immigration, which is that the United States is, for the most part, habitable."
"For years, immigrants have looked to America as a place where their standard of living was bound to improve," McConnell said. "We're going to change that."
Boehner said that the Republicans' plan would reduce or eliminate "immigration magnets," such as the social safety net, public education, clean air, and drinkable water.
The Speaker added that the plan would also include the repeal of Obamacare, calling healthcare "catnip for immigrants."
Attempting, perhaps, to tamp down excitement about the plan, McConnell warned that turning America into a dystopian hellhole that repels immigrants "won't happen overnight."
"Our crumbling infrastructure and soaring gun violence are a good start, but much work still needs to be done," he said. "When Americans start leaving the country, we'll know that we're on the right track."
In closing, the two congressional leaders expressed pride in the immigration plan, noting that Republicans had been working to make it possible for the past thirty years.
Trump Orders Replica Nobel Peace Prize to Display on His Desk
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has ordered a replica of the Nobel Peace Prize and is displaying it prominently on his desk in the Oval Office, the White House confirmed on Wednesday.
The replica of the Nobel medallion is mounted on what the White House described as a "tasteful black-velvet background" with an engraved plaque reading, "Donald J. Trump, 2018 Winner."
At the daily White House briefing, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said that Trump "took the initiative" to award himself the Peace Prize rather than "waiting around" for the Nobel committee, in Oslo, to bestow it on him.
"What with his successes in Syria, Iran, North Korea, and whatnot, the President already knows he's a lock for the Nobel," she said. "It's just a formality at this point."
The fake Nobel was first spotted by Henry Klugian, a student who was on a White House tour with his seventh-grade class from Bethesda, Maryland.
"I thought it was kind of weird that he'd have something like that made up for himself, but whatever," he said.