Public Demands Investigation of Why F.B.I. Infiltrators in Trump Campaign Failed to Prevent Him from Being Elected
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are demanding an investigation into why, if F.B.I. operatives managed to infiltrate the 2016 Trump campaign, they utterly failed to prevent a nightmarish despot from being elected.
In interviews across the country, Americans expressed dismay and, in some cases, despair at the news that F.B.I. infiltrators might have had a golden opportunity to prevent the nation's current unspeakable nightmare from unfolding but did not get the job done.
"The thought of F.B.I. infiltrators being inside the Trump campaign but not sabotaging it is, in a word, devastating," Carol Foyler, of Akron, Ohio, said. "If it turns out to be true, I will totally lose my faith in F.B.I. infiltrators."
Harland Dorrinson, of St. Petersburg, Florida, agreed. "If F.B.I. infiltrators were in a position to derail the most heinous threat to democracy in American history but didn't succeed for some reason, that would be bigger than Watergate," he said.
Tracy Klugian, of Denver, Colorado, said that a "full and exhaustive investigation" is needed to "determine why our system of F.B.I. infiltrators preventing a horrific proto-fascist menace from taking office somehow broke down."
"We need to find out what went wrong and fix it before the 2020 election," he said. "I won't be able to sleep at night until I know that F.B.I. operatives are infiltrating Trump's reëlection campaign and irreparably crippling it."