Señor Borowitz

JULY 30, 2013

SCALIA OFFERS TO HELP POPE JUDGE GAYS

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to Pope Francis's suggestion that the Pope is not capable of judging gays, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia contacted the Vatican today to say that he would be "more than happy" to help the Pontiff do so.

"If he's having trouble judging homosexuals, well, then I'm his man," Scalia told reporters after making his offer. "I have over a quarter century of professional experience."

Justice Scalia said that he was sympathetic to Pope Francis's difficulty in judging gays, but added, "Once he spends a few weeks watching the master at work, I'm sure he'll get the hang of it."

"I wasn't great at judging homosexuals my first year in the job, either," he said. "But now I can do it without thinking."

Justice Scalia said that once Pope Francis feels confident about his ability to judge gays, he would help the Pontiff learn how to judge minorities and women.

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Juan

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said '  Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.  When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

-- Desmond Tutu

Andy Borowitz

JULY 29, 2013

WEINER NAMES NEW CAMPAIGN MANAGER

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—One day after his campaign manager quit, the mayoral candidate Anthony D. Weiner named his penis to the post, telling reporters, "He was already making most of the major decisions, anyway."

In announcing the new appointment, Mr. Weiner lavished praise upon his penis, calling him "a tough hombre" who "cares about the struggles of ordinary, middle-class New Yorkers."

After one reporter questioned the wisdom of naming his penis to such an important role in the campaign, Mr. Weiner dismissed that concern, saying, "Look, he's gotten me this far."

While Mr. Weiner's decision to give the top job to his controversial appendage raised eyebrows among political observers, insiders said the move merely reflected his headline-grabbing member's already prominent role in the campaign.

"He [Mr. Weiner's penis] has been calling the shots for weeks now," one source said, adding that clashes between the former campaign manager Danny Kedem and the mercurial body part had led to Mr. Kedem's exit.

"There was a power struggle between Danny and the package, and Danny lost," said one campaign source. "Danny would try to talk sense to Anthony, but at the end of the day, the penis had his ear."

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Juan

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said '  Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.  When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

-- Desmond Tutu

Something to Know - 27 July

1.  Immigration hysteria of today is not so much different that it was over 100 years ago.  It's just different regions and different ethnic demographics.  I just saw a Tea Party email today where the group is ganging up on John Boehner for his work in attempting to pass a House version of a watered-down bill.  The Tea Party bigotry is going to seriously damage any semblance of a Republican Party, for sure:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/24/opinion/bonjour-america.html?emc=eta1&pagewanted=print

2.  The NRA is now all mixed in with the Stand Your Ground hysteria (hysteria....again?).   As if Whitey is who the law was made for.  How does it apply to non-whites, and where does it go from there?   Do the same principles apply, or not?:

http://www.newyorker.com/talk/comment/2013/07/29/130729taco_talk_cobb?mbid=nl_Daily%20(292)

3.  Continuing, we enter more reflections and observations that show just how complex the inter-racial battle ground on guns and homicide play out, and just where the story is the same day in and day out:

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/comment/2013/07/a-sermon-on-race-from-national-review.html?mbid=nl_Daily%20(293)

4.  The GeeOpie is bound and determined to try and kill Obama Care.  The extremists are in a do or die situation to derail and unfund it.   They are so afraid that it is working, and going to work, that this is their last ditch effort.  Why?  Because it is an Obama program, and it drives them nuts.  The Republicans will go to any end to stop it - even play the debt ceiling game again - at the risk of plunging the economy into the dark ages.  What those Republicans won't do to achieve their own selfish political games:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/26/opinion/krugman-republican-health-care-panic.html?emc=eta1&_r=0&pagewanted=print

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/27/opinion/the-war-over-health-care-exchanges.html?ref=opinion&pagewanted=print

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Juan

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said '  Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.  When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

-- Desmond Tutu

Andy Borowitz

• JULY 23, 2013

WEINER CONTINUES SEXTING DURING APOLOGY

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner stirred controversy today by continuing to send dirty texts throughout a press conference devoted to apologizing for his behavior.

Mr. Weiner was halfway through his apology when reporters noticed him remove a phone from his pocket and aim its camera lens unmistakably in the direction of his pants.

After seeing the candidate snap a photo of the pants region and then send a text, reporters bombarded Mr. Weiner with questions, asking him if he had in fact just sexted.

"Yes, I did, but I swear this was the last time," he said. "This behavior is now behind me."

Mr. Weiner then concluded his press conference by removing his shirt and snapping a quick shot of his naked torso.

According to the latest New York City poll, Mr. Weiner still has a commanding lead among voters who describe themselves as pervs.

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Juan

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. 

-- George Carlin

Something to Know - 22 July

1.  Okay.  So I am a retired person.  I kind of like my digs in Claremont, and things are good enough that my worries are not as dire than what seems to be bothering folks who are the subject of items on the local TV news.  So, what are people like I supposed to do as we kind of watch the birthdays, Super Bowls, and New Years Eve parties just roll by?:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/opinion/sunday/fast-time-and-the-aging-mind.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20130721&_r=0&pagewanted=print

2.   Post-Zimmerman verdict discussion goes on.  Here is one aspect to bring to the NRA, and it involves the arming of the African-American community as a result of the "stand your ground" laws.  Is this what it is all going to come to?   Is this all a marketing ploy by the gun manufacturing industry?   Or, can this work out to a better end?:
http://www.newyorker.com/talk/comment/2013/07/29/130729taco_talk_cobb?mbid=nl_Daily%20(290)

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Juan

Nonviolence is a flop. The only bigger flop is violence.

-- Joan Baez

Borowitz

• JULY 22, 2013

OPPONENTS OF STAND YOUR GROUND PROPOSE NEW LAW, DON'T SHOOT ME FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Opponents of Florida's Stand Your Ground law are attempting to mobilize support for a new law called Don't Shoot Me for Absolutely No Reason.

The proposed law, which faces major opposition in the Florida legislature, would make it illegal for people in the state to shoot each other for no reason whatsoever.

"Under the provisions of Don't Shoot Me for Absolutely No Reason, you will be required to have an actual reason for shooting someone," said a spokesman for the measure, Harland Dorrinson. "This will be a first in Florida."

The controversial bill has already drawn the ire of the National Rifle Association, which issued a statement today saying that requiring someone to have a reason to shoot another person would violate the Second Amendment.

"If you force someone to have a reason to shoot someone, soon you will be taking away his right to shoot that person altogether," the N.R.A. said.

"We are not in principle against the idea of having a reason to shoot someone," the N.R.A. continued. "But we believe you should be allowed to shoot the person first and have the reason second."

Even if Don't Shoot Me for Absolutely No Reason somehow passes in the legislature, Florida Gov. Rick Scott said today that he would veto it, telling reporters, "Making people in Florida have a reason to shoot each other would fundamentally change our way of lif

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Juan

Always do whatever's next.

-- George Carlin

Something to Know - 20 July

1.  The President presented a very personal and necessary statement regarding the verdict in Florida:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/20/opinion/president-obamas-anguish.html?ref=opinion&_r=0

2.  Charles Blow puts his own personal op-ed stamp on the subject that the above NY Times editorial board took on:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/20/opinion/blow-barack-and-trayvon.html?ref=opinion&pagewanted=print

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Juan

Nonviolence is a flop. The only bigger flop is violence.

-- Joan Baez

Something to Know - 17 July

I have been up in the High Sierras, at a Jazz Festival, and it's been a slow process in getting back into the news, after being away for a week.  It makes me wonder if it is all worth trying to understand, but .......

1.  For those of you who dabble in Economics, Paul Krugman carries on his side of the debate:

http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/07/16/the-paradox-of-flexibility/?emc=eta1

2.  After all the hysteria and speculation on the enactment of the Affordable Care Act, we are now beginning to see some of the actual results of its implementation:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/17/health/health-plan-cost-for-new-yorkers-set-to-fall-50.html?emc=eta1

3.  This is not an op-ed of any sort, but it reveals an interesting page of old-world military weaponry in an old-world mindset with a decadent result:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/17/world/americas/panama-seizes-north-korea-flagged-ship-for-weapons.html?emc=eta1

4.  Once in a while, Thomas Friedman comes through with something that is worthwhile.  In this piece, he elevates the topics and evidence of the GeeOpie Party of Stupid beyond that which Bobby Jindal spoke:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/17/opinion/friedman-if-churchill-could-see-us-now.html?emc=eta1&pagewanted=print

5.  This piece from The New Yorker is quite entertaining.  Do you remember Keith Olbermann?   Are you ready for a longer read?   Then, this is for you:

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/06/23/080623fa_fact_boyer?printable=true&currentPage=all

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Juan

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.   

-- Yogi Berra

The Annikas, fish, pass away at 18 months

The Annikas, a trio of grey fish who lived in a fishbowl while being fostered by Juan and Sirinya, passed away on Saturday while en route in a private vehicle to Redding, CA. They were approximately 18 months old.

“The Annikas were resilient while they were in our care,” said Sirinya, the foster mother. “They brought life to our apartment, even when we were busy and didn’t always feed them regularly.”

Named for the sister-in-law of a friend of Juan Michael, the Annikas came to live in the fishbowl of Sirinya’s childhood goldfish last summer. Their owners, Joshua and his wife, temporarily relocated to the East Coast for job opportunities. It was expected the Annikas would resume living with Josh and his wife when they returned to Los Angeles.

The Annikas also delighted the cats of Juan and Sirinya's friend Will. The Annikas came over to live with Will during the 4^th of July weekend. The cats were delighted to have new friends.

That's about right.

Preliminary reports indicate that the Annikas died due to asphyxiation  They were in a plastic bottle while in transport. Will explained that he sought to bring the Annikas to Redding with him to keep his cats company. 

“Please, if you’re transporting fish, make sure there is ample air. Fish deserve to live a dignified life,” Will said. "It turns out that the best way to transport fish is to put them in a plastic bag with lots of air. You're also not supposed to feed them for one to two days prior to moving them."

Will then pleaded: “Don’t repeat the mistake I made. The cats and I are in mourning.”

Private services were held in California.

Juan Matute 6 is quoted in the New York Times

For a time, the story Juan was quoted in had prominent placement on the New York Times's website. Then the Zimmerman verdict came out.

Juan Michael was quoted in a New York Times story on real-time ridesharing applications this weekend!

In his conversation with the reporter, Juan discussed the emergence of real-time ridesharing applications. 

Last week, on his first full day in office as the new mayor of Los Angeles, Eric Garcetti proudly proclaimed that Los Angeles was beginning to leave behind its culture of car ownership. And Juan Matute, director of the Local Climate Change Initiative at the University of California, Los Angeles, said that if more people used ride-sharing services — even just 3 percent of the population, he said — substantial reductions in driving in Los Angeles could result. 

“It would be easier to share rides that are incidental to daily life,” he said.

As of late, Juan has become a subject matter expert on real time ridesharing and the regulatory issues it is facing in California by proxy; it was one of the fifteen topics he authored papers on funded by Next10. Real-time ridesharing applications, like Lyft, Uber, and Sidecar, are examples of so-called "disruptive technology". 

Innovation in technology is moving faster than ever - exponentially so. Consider the story of online carpool matching.

TI: Tremblay Imposition

Original artwork for the Juan Percent

Andy Borowitz

• « Rick Perry: "Time to Pass Mantle to New Generation of Boneheads"
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QJULY 11, 2013

TEXAS WEIGHS BAN ON WOMEN

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

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AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Republican lawmakers in the Texas State Senate are proposing a precedent-setting new bill that would make it illegal for women to live in the state.

Senator Harland Dorrinson, one of the many pro-life lawmakers backing the woman ban, crafted his bill after witnessing Senator Wendy Davis filibuster an anti-abortion bill last month.

"That was our moment to say, 'Enough is enough,' " he said. "This comes down to a choice between life and women, and we choose life."

Senator Dorrinson said his bill would call for a twenty-foot woman-proof fence to be constructed along the borders of the state.

"Women are great at talking, but not at climbing," he observed.

But another G.O.P. state senator, Cal Jamson, believes that the total ban on women goes "too far" and is proposing a less draconian bill that would allow some women to remain in the state as guest workers.

"Texas needs women to cook, clean, and cheerlead," he said. "If they show that they can do those things and stay out of politics, there could be a pathway to citizenship."

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Photograph by George Rose/Getty.

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Juan

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.  

-- Yogi Berra

Fwd: The Mean Team Piles On Jobless Americans

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Juan Matute
Date: Thursday, July 11, 2013
Subject: The Mean Team Piles On Jobless Americans
To: Juanma2t@gmail.com


http://www.nationalmemo.com/the-mean-team-piles-on-jobless-americans/#.Ud6w21wxB0U.gmail


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****

Juan

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.  

-- Yogi Berra

Something to Know - 10 July

1.  The streets of Cairo - a war zone - from the New Yorker:

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2013/07/after-the-shooting-in-cairo.html?mbid=nl_Daily%20(281)

2.  We know that Republican-controlled state legislatures are gradually dismantling the foundation of women's rights and taking apart long-established progressive establishments.  Now, in North Carolina, they are ripping up the basic fabric of what used to be a forward-looking state:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/10/opinion/the-decline-of-north-carolina.html?emc=eta1&pagewanted=print

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Juan

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.  

-- Yogi Berra

fcxcYour Borowitz Fix

JULY 9, 2013

RICK PERRY: "TIME TO PASS MANTLE TO NEW GENERATION OF BONEHEADS"

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

SAN ANTONIO (The Borowitz Report)—Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced yesterday that he would not seek reëlection, telling supporters, "The time has come to pass the mantle of leadership to a new generation of boneheads."

"I've had a good run," he said. "But after twelve years, someone else who isn't playing with a full deck should take a turn at the wheel."

Reflecting on his twelve years as governor, Mr. Perry said that he had "no regrets" except for being incoherent the entire time.

Before leaving office, Gov. Perry said that he would propose three signature bills "just to let future Texans know how Rick Perry marked his territory."

The first bill would require all voters in the state to have an I.D. with a photo of a white person; the second would force anyone filibustering an anti-abortion bill to ride a mechanical bull; and the third he could not remember.

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Juan

If you don't know where you're going, you might end up some place else.

-- Yogi Berra