Monday, July 29, 2013

Andy Borowitz

The Borowitz Report

JULY 29, 2013




NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—One day after his campaign manager quit, the mayoral candidate Anthony D. Weiner named his penis to the post, telling reporters, "He was already making most of the major decisions, anyway."

In announcing the new appointment, Mr. Weiner lavished praise upon his penis, calling him "a tough hombre" who "cares about the struggles of ordinary, middle-class New Yorkers."

After one reporter questioned the wisdom of naming his penis to such an important role in the campaign, Mr. Weiner dismissed that concern, saying, "Look, he's gotten me this far."

While Mr. Weiner's decision to give the top job to his controversial appendage raised eyebrows among political observers, insiders said the move merely reflected his headline-grabbing member's already prominent role in the campaign.

"He [Mr. Weiner's penis] has been calling the shots for weeks now," one source said, adding that clashes between the former campaign manager Danny Kedem and the mercurial body part had led to Mr. Kedem's exit.

"There was a power struggle between Danny and the package, and Danny lost," said one campaign source. "Danny would try to talk sense to Anthony, but at the end of the day, the penis had his ear."


When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said '  Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.  When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
-- Desmond Tutu

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