Monday, October 7, 2019

Andy Borowitz

Trump Sees New Polls and Orders Ukraine to Investigate Elizabeth Warren

Photograph by Nicholas Kamm / AFP / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After looking at the most recent polls for the Democratic Presidential race, Donald J. Trump has ordered the President of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky, to investigate Senator Elizabeth Warren.

"What Elizabeth Warren and her crooked kids have been doing in Ukraine is a disgrace," Trump told reporters on the White House lawn. "This is maybe the biggest scandal in the history of our country."

After Jim Acosta, of CNN, pointed out that there had been no reports of any involvement in Ukraine on the part of either Warren or her children, Trump responded, "You bet there's been no reporting, because you people are even more crooked than she is."

Trump brushed aside an official statement by the Ukrainian government indicating that Warren's children had never set foot in the country. "That is because the Warren kids are basically spies, and everyone knows that spies are invisible," he said. "You people are so dumb."

Concluding his remarks, Trump said that he would wait for the results of the Iowa caucuses before urging Ukraine to investigate Pete Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana.


Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

- Kris Kristofferson

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