Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Sunday, July 28, 2019
Government Housing Structure Infested with Criminals and Rats
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A government-subsidized housing structure has fallen into a dangerous state and has become thoroughly infested with criminals and rats, a leading congressman warned on Saturday.
The building has become "the territory of vicious gangsters who roam freely and consider themselves above the law," Representative Elijah Cummings, a Democrat of Maryland, said.
The congressman added that notorious gang members took over the housing facility in early 2017 and have "spread terror and despair" there ever since.
"People are scared to be there," Cummings said. "Hundreds have fled."
He said that the horrific conditions within the housing complex are one of the nation's worst-kept secrets. "Many of the people who have fled over the past two years have written books about it," he said. "But the criminals continue to run wild."
The congressman said that he was speaking out for the benefit of the residents in his Baltimore, Maryland, district. "I am alarmed that the nation's worst breeding ground for crime is less than fifty miles from Baltimore," he said.
Saturday, July 27, 2019
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
Queen Elizabeth Moving to Canada
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Queen Elizabeth II is moving to Canada "immediately" and should take up full-time residence there by the end of the week, Buckingham Palace confirmed on Tuesday.
The Queen offered no reason for the move, but the palace indicated that she had been packing her bags for the past several weeks.
In a sign that the Queen's decision is irrevocable, the palace revealed that her beloved corgis had already been flown to Toronto.
In a brief farewell statement to the British people, the Queen explained why she had chosen Canada as her new home. "We speak the language, and our picture's on the money there," she said.
She said that she had "no regrets" about abdicating the throne to her son, Charles. "At this point, there's nothing he can do to make the U.K. more messed up than it already is," she said.
Monday, July 22, 2019
Trump Orders Pence to Find Passage in Bible Where Jesus Tells People to Get the Hell Out
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to bolster the core message of his 2020 campaign, Donald J. Trump ordered Mike Pence to locate a passage in the Bible where Jesus tells people "to get the hell out of here," White House sources confirmed on Monday.
According to the sources, Trump summoned Pence to the Oval Office and commanded him to find "somewhere in the Bible" where Jesus "tells people that they don't belong here and they should beat it."
Pence, who seemed startled by the request, asked Trump if he meant the time when Jesus expelled money changers from the Temple, but Trump shook his head angrily. "No, not that. I don't want to piss off Deutsche Bank," he said. "I want something where Jesus tells the poor and the meek or whatever to go back to the shithole places they came from."
After a shaken Pence said that he would "see what I can find," Trump reportedly demanded that the Vice-President also locate a passage where Jesus calls journalists "the lowest form of life."
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Nation Apparently Believed in Science at Some Point
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Historians studying archival photographs from four decades ago have come to the conclusion that the U.S. must have believed in science at some point.
According to the historian Davis Logsdon, who has been sifting through mounds of photographic evidence at the University of Minnesota, the nation apparently once held the view that investing in science and even math could yield accomplishments that would be a source of national pride.
While Logsdon has not developed a complete theory to explain the United States' pro-science stance during that era, he attributes some of it to the liberal views of the President at that time, Richard M. Nixon.
Friday, July 19, 2019
Trump Denies Being at North Carolina Rally
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump attempted to further distance himself from a racist chant shouted at a North Carolina campaign rally earlier this week by denying that he had attended the rally.
"I wasn't there," Trump told reporters at the White House on Friday. "If I had been there, you can be sure I would have done everything I could to stop them from chanting."
Trump said that he was furious that thousands of people had apparently assembled in North Carolina to chant racist things when he was nowhere near the rally and thus totally incapable of intervening.
"It's the kind of thing I would have been disgusted by if I had been there to hear it," he said. "Unfortunately, I wasn't there."
On Capitol Hill, Senator Lindsey Graham lashed out at reporters for persistently claiming that Trump had, in fact, attended the rally. "If he says he wasn't there, then, damn it, he wasn't there," a visibly furious Graham said. "How do you people sleep at night?"