Monday, July 22, 2019

Trump Orders Pence to Find Passage in Bible Where Jesus Tells People to Get the Hell Out

Photograph by Al Drago / Bloomberg / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to bolster the core message of his 2020 campaign, Donald J. Trump ordered Mike Pence to locate a passage in the Bible where Jesus tells people "to get the hell out of here," White House sources confirmed on Monday.

According to the sources, Trump summoned Pence to the Oval Office and commanded him to find "somewhere in the Bible" where Jesus "tells people that they don't belong here and they should beat it."

Pence, who seemed startled by the request, asked Trump if he meant the time when Jesus expelled money changers from the Temple, but Trump shook his head angrily. "No, not that. I don't want to piss off Deutsche Bank," he said. "I want something where Jesus tells the poor and the meek or whatever to go back to the shithole places they came from."

After a shaken Pence said that he would "see what I can find," Trump reportedly demanded that the Vice-President also locate a passage where Jesus calls journalists "the lowest form of life."


I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
- W. C. Fields

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