NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Bernie Sanders failed to impress major media outlets over the weekend as he barely managed to win seventy per cent of the vote in three western primaries.
The major cable networks briefly mentioned Sanders's vote tallies in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii but noted that he ran out of steam well shy of eighty per cent.
"There's no point in sugarcoating it," one analyst put it. "Rough night for Sanders."
According to one cable executive, Sanders needs to "put up some big numbers fast" if he expects the networks to continue giving his campaign airtime.
"It's going to be harder and harder to justify covering him while he's stuck down in the seventy-per-cent range," the executive said.
While Sanders campaign officials remain optimistic about the upcoming primary in Wisconsin, media outlets are calling it a "do or die" state after his sputtering finishes over the weekend.
"I think if he limps across the finish line with, say, seventy-five or seventy-nine per cent, it's going to be time for him to reassess things," one cable representative said. "That would have to be a wake-up call."
A spokesperson for CNN could not be reached for comment, as the network was busy preparing a ninety-minute special on the birth of Donald Trump's new grandchild.