ISSA DEMANDS HEARINGS INTO WHY NO ONE LISTENS TO HIM
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The House Oversight Committee Chairman Rep. Darrell Issa (R-California) today called for hearings to investigate why no one has paid any attention to him in the weeks of hearings he has called for thus far.
"There is mounting evidence that no one listens to me, not even one little bit," he told reporters on Capitol Hill. "The goal of these hearings is to find out why."
He said that he first became aware that people might not be listening to him when he read a recent poll indicating that Americans' primary concerns are jobs and the economy.
"Anyone in his right mind would know that this nation's No. 1 problem right now is Benghazi talking points," he said.
The California congressman said that he also intended "to investigate the chain of events that have led to people changing the channel the moment they see my face."
"There is a consensus out there that I am an odious, self-serving tool who uses congressional hearings to advance my own petty political agenda," he said. "I think it's important to know who created that impression."
Finally, Mr. Issa said, he hoped that the new hearings would "determine, once and for all, to what extent my moral authority has been undermined by allegations that I have been involved in car theft and arson."
"The question is, what do the American people know about me and when did they know it?" he said.
"I really wonder what gives us the right to wreck this poor planet of ours."