NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a sweeping format change that marks the end of an era for the nation's first cable news outlet, CNN announced today that it would no longer air breaking news and would instead re-run news stories of the past "that we know we got right."
The rebranded network, to début nationwide on Monday, will be called "CNN Classic."
"Breaking news is hard," said the newly installed CNN chief, Jeff Zucker. "You have to talk to sources, make sure their stories check out O.K., and then get on the air and not say anything stupid. I, for one, am thrilled to be getting out of that horrible business."
CNN Classic will begin its broadcast day on Monday, Mr. Zucker said, "with round-the-clock coverage of Operation Desert Storm."
Mr. Zucker did not indicate what impact the new format would have on such CNN stars as Wolf Blitzer, saying only, "I can't promise that Wolf will be a part of CNN's future, but he will continue to be a big part of our past."
The CNN chief scoffed at reports that other cable news outlets had eclipsed his network once and for all, throwing down this gauntlet: "We are going to win May sweeps with Hurricane Katrina."
"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them." -- George Bush