Juan
-- George Carlin
-- Laurence J. Peter
-- Will Rogers
-- Dick Cavett
Al Qaeda Disbands; Says Job of Destroying U.S. Economy Now in Congress' Hands
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that "our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the capable hands of the U.S. Congress."
In an official statement published on the group's website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that Congress's conduct during the so-called "fiscal-cliff" showdown convinced the terrorists that they had been outdone.
"We've been working overtime trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy," said the statement from Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. "But even we couldn't come up with something like this."
Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end of the year "is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain."
"As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your own game," he said. "This is one of those times."
The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, "We have made many scary videos in our time but none of them were as terrifying as Mitch McConnell."
As for the future of Al Qaeda, the statement said that it would no longer be a terror network but would become "more of a social network," offering reviews of new music, movies and video games.
In its first movie review, Al Qaeda gave the film "Zero Dark Thirty" two thumbs down.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Today, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio) released the following holiday letter to the American people:
Dear American People:
It's Speaker Boehner here, writing my first and last ever holiday letter to you. Why am I doing this after all of these years, you might ask? Well, I won't mince words. I've started drinking a little early this Christmas.
Yes, I'm sitting here in my man-cave, panelled in mahogany the color of me, doing a rack of Canadian Club shooters and smoking my way through a carton of Lucky Strikes as if they were the last Twinkies in creation. If my chief of staff knew that I was writing to you while I was this polluted, he'd shit a phone book. But guess what? I don't fucking care anymore.
You see, this will be my last Christmas as Speaker of the House, all because a cabal of Tea Party miscreants in the House of Representatives doesn't think I'm a ginormous enough asshole for their taste. Who's more to their liking? Virginia's own Eric Cantor. As a waiter might say at an all-you-can-eat shit buffet, "Excellent choice." How odious is Eric Cantor? Let me put it this way: when we have to speak to the press, I actually prefer to stand next to Mitch McConnell.
What will life be like under Speaker of the House Eric Cantor? Well, he's the guy who recommended cuts in disaster funding just hours after tornadoes hit Joplin, Missouri. Nice. And it was his "never met a dick-measuring contest I didn't like" pathology that helped create last year's debt-ceiling crisis. You can't put a price tag on a performance like that. Well, actually you can: it cost the country nineteen billion dollars. Starting to miss me already, aren't you? Fuck you.
So have a very Eric Cantor Christmas, America, and as that smug four-eyed sociopath drives the entire nation off the cliff, don't say I didn't warn you. Now leave me alone, God damn you. Damn you all to hell.
Happy Holidays,
Speaker Boehner
NRA Act to Provide for School Security and Defense
This petition is for Congress to enact legislation to provide for armed sworn police officers from city, county, or state government to be staffed at all school activities where students are in attendance, for the purpose of school security and protection. Funding is to be as follows: The sale of all new or used firearms will be taxed at the rate of 50%. The surcharge on each bullet or shell sold will be set at one dollar per unit, and may be amended as needed. The requirement of all firearms be registered for an annual licensing fee of $500 per firearm. To maintain solvency of this Act, revenue shortfall will be resolved by a surcharge on sales by all companies involved in the manufacture of firearms and ammunition. The provisions herein are intended to have this act be self-funding.
The 2nd Amendment is in need of revision to better regulate the violence of gun culture that is a result of flawed composition at its inception, which has allowed interpretations harmful to the safety and well being of our nation. The petition is to address what was written, and to suggest the rearrangement of the wording to allow for the regulation of arms:
AS WRITTEN
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
AS REVISED
The right of the people to keep and bear arms with a well regulated militia for the security of a free state shall not be infringed.
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A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
The preamble to our Constitution includes the phrase ".... in Order to form a more perfect Union". The killing (accidental and deliberate) ranges from 75,000 to 100,000 each year. This is hardly a definition of a "perfect Union. What is it about the 2nd Amendment, either in its concept or its sentence structure, that is responsible for our national tragedy. We can develop legislation, and argue legalities, but I think we need to closely analyze the intent of "our Founding Fathers" of those 27 words, or come to an understanding of the flaws. We really cannot continue as we have. What is it going to take to form a "more perfect Union?"
2. In is inevitable that on the first sweep of meaningful legislation to come out of Congress (yes, I am very optimistic) the low-hanging fruit will deliver a ban on assault rifles. At the same time, or maybe shortly behind, will be legislation to do background checks on gun sales and ammunition. The argument has been that we need to make sure that the mentally unstable, felons, and people with suspicious histories should not be on the receiving end of guns and ammunition. So, this is the best time to make that happen: