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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a development that an aide to the presumptive GOP nominee called "the best news this campaign has gotten in quite some time," a new poll shows that a majority of likely voters "vastly prefer" Donald J. Trump when he is asleep to when he is awake. According to the survey, conducted by the Opinion Research Institute at the University of Minnesota, the conscious version of Trump garners a lowly 41 percent approval rating, in marked contrast with the unconscious version's 98 percent. When asked to state what they liked most about the slumbering Trump, 72 percent checked "Cannot say anything," while a whopping 83 percent ticked "Can do no harm." Carol Foyler, a top Trump campaign aide, said that the numbers suggest "we have to do a better job of getting the message out that Donald Trump is asleep most if not all of the day." "We need to showcase Mr. Trump at campaign events where he looks heavy-lidded and, ideally, snores," she said. "If, during a debate with Biden, he were to suddenly doze off and face-plant on the podium, that would be huge for us." The aide said that the poll results would help the Trump campaign fine-tune its electoral strategy, adding, "Between now and Election Day, we have to keep Donald Trump on a steady drip of warm milk, chamomile tea, and Ambien."
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