Saturday, April 4, 2020

Andy Borowitz

Fauci Urges Non-Essential Worker to Go Home

By Andy Borowitz

April 3, 2020

President Donald Trump departs after the daily coronavirus briefing.

Photograph by Win McNamee / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged a non-essential employee of the White House 

Coronavirus Task Force to go home immediately, Fauci confirmed on Friday.

Speaking to reporters, the esteemed virologist said that he made the decision to expel the worker for 

"the health and safety of others."

"He said that he felt fine coming to work every day," Fauci said. "I told him, 'You may feel fine, 

but by coming into work you are endangering the lives of countless others.' "

Fauci said that his decision to send the non-essential worker home was based on the most recent 

scientific findings.

"What we're learning is that breathing and talking can put lives in jeopardy, and this one worker 

did more breathing and talking than anyone else on the team," he said.

The employee is expected to spend fourteen hours a day in isolation watching television, 

a two-hour increase from his normal routine.


Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

- Kris Kristofferson

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