Photograph by Brendan Smialowski / AFP / GettyWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking bold action to safeguard the health of millions of Americans, Dr. Anthony Fauci has tricked Donald J. Trump into believing that there is no Easter this year, Fauci has confirmed.
After hearing Trump declare on Tuesday that he hoped to reopen the country on Easter Sunday, an alarmed Fauci decided to spring into action.
"I ran down to my computer and mocked up a phony 2020 calendar with no Easter on it," Fauci said. "Then I showed it to Trump and said, 'There's a problem with your plan, Mr. President. There's no Easter this year.'"
According to Fauci, Trump was initially baffled by the news.
"How could that be?" Trump asked. "There's Easter every year."
"This is a leap year," the quick-thinking virologist replied.
"I guess I didn't know it worked that way," Trump said. "
I never go to church."
Fauci consoled Trump by telling him that, if all goes according to plan, the country
could be reopened in time for Easter Sunday, 2021, a suggestion that Trump appeared
somewhat reluctantly to accept.
The esteemed epidemiologist said that his dealings with Trump have now
entered a new phase.
"I've given up on containment, and I'm just doing mitigation," he said.
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.