From: Juan Matute <email@example.com>
Date: Mon, May 13, 2019 at 11:04 AM
Subject: Andrew Borowed Witz
To: Juan Matute <firstname.lastname@example.org>
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asking for their solidarity in his trade war with China, Donald Trump is urging Americans to boycott Chinese goods and "just buy things at Walmart."
Trump made his request via Twitter, where he told his fellow-citizens that it was their "patriotic duty" to punish China by buying as many goods at Walmart as possible.
"If you go to a great american store like Walmart, you'll find lots of cheap sportswear, shoes, and other items for you and your family to enjoy," he tweeted. "What better way to show China that we don't need their dumb stuff!"
Shortly after Trump sent those marching orders to his countrymen, the Chinese President, Xi Jinping, offered a muted response. "I'm beginning to see how he lost a billion dollars," Xi said.