Republican Party Declares Moral Bankruptcy
Photograph by Chip Somodevilla / Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Republican Party officially filed for moral bankruptcy on Tuesday morning, a move that many in the nation considered long overdue.
In filing for moral bankruptcy, the Republicans will formally attest that they have no morals, standards, or ethics on their balance sheet, and will agree to cease all activity as a political party in exchange for indemnity from any and all legal actions.
Harland Dorrinson, a Washington attorney who specializes in moral bankruptcies, said that, by making its moral vacuum official, the G.O.P. could theoretically break itself up and sell off the parts, but, he warned, "There are no buyers."
"From Lindsey Graham to Ted Cruz to Mitch McConnell to Chuck Grassley, all of the Republican Party's assets could only be described as toxic," he said. "Their breakup value is zero."
Further complicating such a sale, Dorrinson said, is the fact that the lion's share of the Republican Party is already owned by the National Rifle Association, Koch Industries, and the Russian government.
"All of those entities are going to take a major loss on their investment," he warned. "The Kochs have been trying to sell Paul Ryan for months, and they can't give him away."
While bemoaning the demise of a once legitimate political party, Dorrinson did see one silver lining. "The bankruptcy of the Republican Party will be presided over by Donald Trump, and no one has more experience in this area," he said.
"I fell in love with my country when I was a prisoner in someone else's."
- John McCain