WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Facing the daunting challenge of appearing to pay attention to a woman's utterances during a televised hearing, Senator Charles Grassley spent the weekend rehearsing what aides are calling his "pretending to listen" face.
In round-the-clock practice sessions that aides characterized as "excruciating," the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee struggled to simulate even a trace of interest in what a woman had to say.
"Chuck has never pretended to listen to a woman before," an aide said. "These are uncharted waters."
According to the aide, Grassley's fake-listening skills "are rudimentary at best," and the senator was able to hold only a semi-attentive facial expression for seven seconds before it showed unmistakable signs of boredom, irritation, and contempt.
At one point, Grassley reportedly exploded with frustration, bellowing, "If I'd known that going into politics meant I'd have to listen to women, I'd have become a longshoreman."
Complicating the mock sessions further was the absence on the Judiciary Committee of any Republican women to whom Grassley could pretend to listen, forcing Senator Orrin Hatch to step uncomfortably into the role of a woman.
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