Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Andy Borowitz

White Man Hopes to Land Job Without Background Check

Photograph by Saul Loeb / AFP / Getty

Photograph by Saul Loeb / AFP / Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A fifty-three-year-old white man from Washington, D.C., is hoping to land a six-figure job for life without being subjected to a thorough background check, the man confirmed on Tuesday.

The man, Brett Kavanaugh, said that he was "pretty chill" about his upcoming job interview because he had been assured that "anything super damaging" had been removed from his H.R. file.

"There's some stuff in my past—especially, like, from the nineties—that would be kind of heinous if anyone looked into it," Kavanaugh said. "Fortunately, I know someone in H.R. and he took, like, a hundred thousand pages out of my file."

The Washington native said that he had been assured that his job interview would be led by a group of other white men who "won't ask me anything too hard."

"They were, like, 'Just smile a lot and nod your head and you're in, dude,' " he said.

Kavanaugh said he was "blown away" when he learned about the benefits package that comes with his prospective job. "When my friend in H.R. told me it was $255,300 a year for life, even after you retire, and no background check, I was, like, 'You have got to be shitting me,' " he said. "I don't care who you are. That's sweet."


"I fell in love with my country when I was a prisoner in someone else's."
- John McCain

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