AFRICA (The Borowitz Report)—Ostriches across Africa erupted into spontaneous celebrations on Tuesday over the guilty verdict of Donald J. Trump's former campaign manager Paul Manafort.
As the verdict was read out in open court, jubilant ostriches broke into what was described as an orgy of running, squawking, and indiscriminate mating.
An emotional ostrich spokesperson called the verdict "a great day for the entire ostrich species."
"Waiting for the verdict over the past few days has been incredibly nerve-racking," the ostrich said. "Many of us have been glued to the TV. Some of us were too stressed to watch and kept our heads in the sand. But tonight we are all partying."
According to wildlife officials, ostriches held celebratory rallies in dozens of African capitals, where they were joined by equally delirious pythons.
"A society that has more justice is a society that needs less charity."