Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Andy Borowitz

Trump Sends National Guard to His Accountant's Office

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what some experts are calling an unprecedented use of military force, Donald J. Trump on Tuesday ordered four thousand National Guard troops to protect the midtown Manhattan offices of his accountant.

According to those familiar with the National Guard's deployment, the troops will secure the corridors and elevator banks in the vicinity of the accounting firm that prepares Trump's taxes.

The troops, whose mission is being called "Operation Safe Returns," are expected to arrive on Wednesday, after making the two-thousand-mile journey from the Mexican border.

At the White House, Trump defended his decision to use the nation's military to protect his accountant's offices. "Yesterday our country was attacked," he said. "Never again."

Trump's unilateral decision to invade Manhattan drew a muted response in diplomatic circles around the world, with many allies taking a cautious "wait and see" attitude.

In North Korea, Kim Jong Un said that he still planned to have a May summit with the U.S. President, "whoever that is by then."

Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson

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