By Andy Borowitz
POONTANG (The Borowitz Report)—Kim Jong Un has revealed to close associates that he has offered to meet Donald J. Trump only as a means of achieving his real goal: meeting the former adult-film star Stormy Daniels.
A confidant of the North Korean dictator said that Kim revealed his true intentions behind the Trump invitation at a high-level government meeting on Thursday night. "Kim said that he was a big fan of Stormy's, and he decided that meeting with Trump would be a 'necessary evil' if he wanted a chance to meet her," the confidant said.
According to the confidant, Kim first attempted to arrange a meeting with Daniels through his close friend, the former N.B.A. player Dennis Rodman, "but, when Dennis said that he didn't know Stormy, Kim was, like, 'Oh, well, I guess I'll have to go through Trump, then.' "
Kim reportedly is prepared to use whatever leverage is necessary to force Trump to broker the meeting with the erstwhile porn performer. "If Kim doesn't get to meet Stormy, the missile tests resume," the confidant said.
When told about Kim's real reason for offering to meet with Trump, a White House aide initially expressed shock, but then added, "Now everything makes sense."