WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After watching it suffer its worst losses since he became President, Donald Trump is "seriously considering" firing the Dow Jones industrial Average, aides have confirmed.
According to the aides, Trump is "furious" at the D.J.I.A. for going down so precipitously and believes that it has treated him "very unfairly."
"Increasingly, the President has become convinced that the Dow Jones Industrial Average is not on his team," one aide said. "Seeing the negative Dow numbers in the corner of the TV screen has been wrecking eleven hours of every day for him."
Reportedly, Trump is mulling replacing the Dow with a new system, in which Sarah Huckabee Sanders would appear every day at 4 p.m. to announce how high stocks had skyrocketed.
En route to an appearance in Ohio, Trump stopped short of saying that he would ask for the stock market index's resignation, but his contempt for the Dow was palpable.
"The Dow Jones Industrial Average is a disgrace, and it should be very, very ashamed of itself," he said.