Nation Cruelly Reminded That It Once Had a President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a televised event that many deemed unnecessarily cruel, millions of Americans were briefly reminded on Monday that they once had a President.
Unsuspecting Americans who turned on cable news Monday morning were suddenly assaulted with the memory of a time when the country's domestic affairs, international diplomacy, and nuclear codes were entrusted to an adult.
CNN, one of the networks that televised the event, immediately said that it regretted doing so, and acknowledged that reminding Americans that they recently had a President had caused widespread bereavement and distress. "CNN deeply apologizes for the error," a network statement read. "It will never happen again."
Compounding the cruelty of the televised event, the networks lingered unnecessarily on a speech that only served to remind viewers that the nation once had a President who rigorously obeyed rules of grammar and diction.
Finally, the reminder that the country recently had a chief executive who loved and respected his wife was deemed "too much" by many viewers, who felt compelled to change the channel.
"It was horrible," Carol Foyler, a viewer who was traumatized by the broadcast, said. "It's like when you stumble on a photo of an ex on Facebook and they unfortunately look amazing."