WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump issued a stark warning to the nation on Monday that, if elected President, Oprah Winfrey would force Americans to read.
"This is a woman who, every chance she got, told people to join her book club," Trump told reporters. "If she were President, you better believe that she would make every single American join that book club."
Claiming that Winfrey "never met a book she didn't like," Trump accused her of planning to institute an "individual book mandate," which would require non-reading Americans to pay as much as two thousand dollars a year for refusing to read a book.
"People were worried about Obama coming to their homes and taking away their guns," Trump said. "Oprah will come to your homes and leave books there, which is far, far worse."
Joining Trump in his remarks was the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, who warned about the dangers of Winfrey's pro-book agenda.
"I am a firm believer in school choice," DeVos said. "And central to that is the choice not to read."