Millions Disappointed It Wasn't Jared
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the general jubilation over the arrest of Paul Manafort on Monday, millions of Americans reported extreme disappointment that the first person arrested from Robert Mueller's Russia probe was not Jared Kushner. Across the country, downcast Americans commiserated over the news that their choice for Mueller's first indictment had been overlooked.
"I know it makes me sound petty, since today is a day of national celebration," Harland Dorrinson, who had been holding a Kushner-arrest-watch party in suburban Toledo, said. "But for a lot of us who had had our hopes set on Jared, today is bittersweet."
Tracy Klugian, who watched news of Manafort's arrest from her home in San Jose, agreed. "Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that Manafort's being brought in," she said. "But he's no Jared."
Davis Logsdon, a clinical psychologist at the University of Minnesota Medical Center, said that he is counselling patients who are dealing with the "severe emotional letdown" of the first person arrested not being Jared.
"I'm urging them to see this disappointment as an opportunity for growth," Logsdon said. "It's true that none of the first three arrests was Jared, but we have to live with that reality. And, perhaps, if we are patient, the fourth, fifth, or even fiftieth arrest will be Jared."
Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson