WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A crowd estimated in the hundreds of thousands has gathered outside the office of Robert Mueller in eager anticipation of the special counsel's first arrest in the Russia probe.
Minutes after news was leaked that charges had been filed, Americans from across the country descended on Mueller's office to witness firsthand what many called the beginning of the end of the nightmare.
"I can't believe this day has finally come," Carol Foyler, who drove from North Carolina, said. "My husband is having surgery today, but I didn't want to miss this."
Although the gathering has been largely peaceful, isolated arguments have erupted over which member of Trump's circle the attendees would like Mueller to arrest first.
A faction shouting "Don, Jr." started pushing and shoving another group chanting "Jared" before police intervened.
One policeman said that law enforcement had been flabbergasted by the size of the crowd, which could reach a million. "We definitely didn't see anything like this at the Inauguration," he said.
Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson