WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump on Wednesday signed an emergency travel ban preventing Republicans from fleeing the United States Senate.
In a sombre Oval Office ceremony, a grim-faced Trump signed the ban, which he said would remain in effect "until we figure out what the hell is going on."
The executive order calls for the relocation of three hundred Border Patrol officers from the Mexican border to Washington, D.C., in order to form what Trump called "a human ring of steel" around the Capitol Building.
Under the travel ban, Republican senators will be permitted to leave their seats in the Senate chamber for meals and bathroom breaks but will be strictly forbidden from speaking to journalists in the building's corridors.
Susan Collins, of Maine, one of the Republicans affected by the ban, called attention to the growing humanitarian crisis inside the Capitol. "If you have a shred of decency, Mr. President, let us leave the Senate," Collins said. "Let us follow our dream of a better life."
In retaliation, Trump reportedly told Border Patrol agents that if Collins is caught trying to escape she should be returned to the Senate and forced to sit next to Ted Cruz.
Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson