Satire from The Borowitz Report
Millions Willing to Work for Mueller for Free If That Would Speed Things Up
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans would gladly work for Robert Mueller for free if that would help speed things up, a new poll finds.
According to the survey, a substantial number of Americans would leave their jobs, their homes, and even their families to join the special counsel's team if doing so would help bring this nightmare to a swifter conclusion.
A spokesperson for the special counsel confirmed that his office has been receiving thousands of résumés a day from Americans begging to do anything to help Mueller "move things along."
"We saw a big surge in interest after the bust on Paul Manafort's house," the spokesperson said. "A lot of folks were devastated that they didn't get to play a part in that."
The spokesperson said that, although the special counsel "really appreciates" the public's interest in helping out, limitations on office space prevent Mueller from accommodating all of those who desperately want to pitch in.
"We hate to disappoint people, but we're overwhelmed," the spokesperson said. "Right now, I have about five thousand résumés from people who just want to help investigate Jared."
Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson