SATIRE FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT
AMERICANS OVERWHELMINGLY SAY LIVES HAVE IMPROVED SINCE KELLYANNE CONWAY WENT AWAY
By Andy Borowitz 10:44 A.M.
PHOTOGRAPH BY AUDE GUERRUCCI / EPA / REDUX
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An overwhelming majority of Americans say that their lives have improved since Kellyanne Conway went away, a new poll finds.
According to the poll, Americans have been sleeping more, eating better, and enjoying a markedly greater sense of well-being following Conway's sudden departure.
"I had lost my zest for life," Carol Foyler, a poll respondent, said. "Now that Kellyanne Conway is gone, I greet every day with a smile, I feel my energy coming back, and I want to have sex again."
Across the nation, medical professionals have reported striking improvements in patients' mental health since the White House counsellor vanished, a phenomenon some doctors are calling the Conway Effect.
"Over the last few months, we had incorrectly diagnosed a number of patients with a host of psychiatric disorders," Dr. Davis Logsdon, the head of psychiatry at the University of Minnesota Medical Center, said. "It turns out it was just Kellyanne."
Conway's disappearance, however, has not been an unalloyed boon, because in some patients it has stirred "severe anxiety" that she might someday return "without warning," Logsdon said.
"For patients who are worried about Kellyanne Conway coming back, I prescribe mindfulness," Logsdon said. "Regard every day without Kellyanne Conway as a gift. Savor it. Cherish it."
He dominates the news like a fart dominates a car (and Kelly AnneGonaway won't open the windows -edit)
- John Oliver on Trump