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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—After stumbling badly on an interview question about Ukraine, the Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump attempted on Tuesday to reassure voters about his geopolitical expertise by adding the retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson and the former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to his team of foreign-policy advisers.
"Donald Trump always said that, as President, he would surround himself with the best people," Trump's spokesperson, Hope Hicks, said. "In Governor Palin and Dr. Carson, Mr. Trump now has the Dream Team."
Speaking to reporters, Palin dismissed the controversy over Ukraine as "much ado about a gotcha question."
"Donald Trump is one hundred and ten percent correct when he says that no one needs to be worrying about Ukraine," she said. "If you look Ukraine up on Google Maps, like I just did, it's right where it's always been."
PHOTOGRAPH BY JOE RAEDLE / GETTY IMAGES
Dr. Carson said that, as President, Donald Trump would support the territorial integrity of Ukraine and "its magnificent network of underground grain tunnels."
"I cannot overemphasize the importance of Ukraine's grain pipeline," he said. "If you choke off Ukraine, Europe cannot bake bread."
Trump's spokesperson said that the additions to his foreign-policy brain trust should give voters "great confidence" that a Trump White House would be equal to the challenge of an international crisis. "When that 3 a.m. call comes in, and Mr. Trump is busy on Twitter, Dr. Carson and Governor Palin will be there to take the call," she said.
Donald Trump and the National Rifle Association aid and abet violence.