NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The billionaire Donald J. Trump's bid to become a born-again Christian failed over the weekend after Jesus Christ turned down his friend request, campaign officials have acknowledged.
Jesus, who has not generally been active on Facebook, made a rare appearance on the social network on Monday to announce his decision to ignore the presumptive Republican nominee's request for a personal relationship with him.
In a brief post, Jesus offered the following explanation: "Just everything."
The turndown from Jesus Christ, the inspiration behind one of the world's most prominent religions, caps what has been a tough month for the Trump campaign.
Privately, campaign staffers fretted that the candidate would pen a disparaging tweet about Jesus, which might alienate evangelical voters in key battleground states.
But, at a rally in Pennsylvania, Trump made no reference to Jesus, and instead touted endorsements he had received from Gary Busey, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Joe (the Plumber) Wurzelbacher.
Donald Trump and the National Rifle Association aid and abet violence.