DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)—New reports indicating that Ben Carson might not have actually stabbed anyone during his youth have sent the retired neurosurgeon plummeting in the latest Republican Presidential polls.
Carson supporters, reeling from the news that their candidate's past might have been devoid of stabbing, have deserted his candidacy in droves, suggesting that Republican voters viewed Carson's stabbing as a key part of his résumé.
Indeed, a recent University of Minnesota poll showed that a full third of Carson supporters singled out "his stabbing experience" as a top reason for supporting him for the nation's highest office.
In Iowa, where Carson was the front-runner before the non-stabbing bombshell hit, voters like Carol Foyler, of Des Moines, expressed dismay and disillusionment that the retired doctor might have fabricated his stabbing exploits to make himself more appealing to Republican voters.
"I was on the fence about Ben Carson, but the stabbing thing really won me over," she said. "Now, I don't know what to think."