MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of his sudden withdrawal from the Presidential race, on Monday, residents of Wisconsin are alarmed at the prospect of Scott Walker having more time to do his job as governor, Wisconsinites report.
In interviews across the state, Wisconsinites expressed emotions ranging from dread to panic as they grappled with the realization that Walker would soon be back behind his desk performing his duties.
"Earlier this spring, when he was riding high in the polls, a lot of my friends and I were thinking, 'This is the break we've been looking for,' " said Carol Foyler of Green Bay. "We definitely had our hopes up."
Tracy Klugian of Milwaukee agreed. "I don't know a person in Wisconsin who wasn't pumped about the idea of Scott Walker going to Washington," he said. "And then we watched that first debate." He shuddered at the memory.
In the hours after the governor's stunning announcement, on Monday, Wisconsinites formed support groups to help each other navigate the reality of Walker turning his full attention to their state.
At a meeting of one of the groups on Tuesday evening, Kenosha resident Harland Dorrinson expressed confidence that his fellow Wisconsinites would be able to contend with their new situation. "People in Wisconsin are stronger than you can imagine," he said. "We've been through blizzards. We've been through tornadoes. We'll get though this somehow."