DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)—Eager to shore up their pro-life credentials, several Republican Presidential candidates used campaign appearances on Wednesday to assert that the babies of undocumented workers have the right to be born and then immediately deported.
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee sounded that theme in a campaign appearance in Des Moines, telling his audience, "We must vigilantly safeguard the life of the unborn, and, as soon it is no longer unborn, make sure that it leaves and takes its illegal parents with it."
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker concurred, telling a crowd in Iowa City, "Every life is precious, and we must protect that life before marching it to the border twenty-four hours later, at the very most."
Perhaps the most evangelical invocation of the right to life came from Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas), campaigning in Cedar Rapids. "Every baby is a creation of God Almighty, and as Jesus is my savior, every baby has the right to live," he said. "Just not here."
The initial response to the candidates' statements was somewhat mixed, with some G.O.P. voters complaining that Walker's twenty-four-hour window for deporting babies was overly lenient.