WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—The election of Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) as the Senate Majority Leader was announced on Thursday by a puff of toxic black coal smoke rising from the United States Capitol.
Speaking from the well of the Senate, McConnell blasted President Obama's recent climate-change deal with the Chinese, saying that it violated "the human rights of carbon.""I'm not a scientist," he told his colleagues, "but I'm told that carbon is the basic building block of all life on earth. And that means it should enjoy the same human rights as you and I."
Clutching a charcoal briquette in his fist and raising it defiantly over his head, McConnell received a standing ovation from the Republican caucus.
Outside the Capitol, McConnell supporters who had been waiting for the symbolic puff of black smoke let out an exuberant cheer, before rubbing their irritated eyes and choking.
A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.