CANTON, OH (The Borowitz Report)—An Ohio man has become infected with misinformation about the Ebola virus through casual contact with cable news, the Centers for Disease Control has confirmed.
Tracy Klugian, thirty-one, briefly came into contact with alarmist Ebola hearsay during a visit to the Akron-Canton airport, where a CNN report about Ebola was showing on one of the televisions in the airport bar. "Mr. Klugian is believed to have been exposed to cable news for no more than ten minutes, but long enough to become infected," a spokesman for the C.D.C. said. "Within an hour, he was showing signs of believing that an Ebola outbreak in the United States was inevitable and unstoppable."
Once Klugian's condition was apparent, the Ohio man was rushed to a public library and given a seventh-grade biology textbook, at which point he "started to stabilize," the spokesman said.
But others exposed to the widening epidemic of Ebola misinformation may not be so lucky. "A man in Oklahoma was exposed to Elisabeth Hasselbeck on Fox for over three minutes," the C.D.C. spokesman said gravely. "We hope we're not too late."
I am a misanthrope and yet utterly benevolent, have more than one screw loose yet am a super-idealist who digests philosophy more efficiently than food.