WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As House Republicans began their five-week summer vacation, their leader, House Speaker John Boehner, urged them to rest up for "the many symbolic and meaningless votes that lie ahead."
Mr. Boehner, while congratulating his colleagues on having voted to repeal Obamacare forty times, reminded his fellow-Republicans that their work is "far from over."
"I want you to come back from vacation rested and refreshed, because we've got another year of futile, time-wasting votes to cast," he said. "Only the strong will survive."
According to Mr. Boehner, this year's gruelling schedule of fake-repeal votes had been the G.O.P.'s "most physically punishing ever."
Noting that the exhausting ordeal of frequent, pointless Obamacare votes had transformed his fellow House Republicans into hollowed-out husks of their former selves, the Speaker observed, "Purely symbolic voting may be even more exhausting than actual work."
"It's true that voting to repeal Obamacare has cost the American taxpayer over fifty million dollars," he said. "But that's nothing compared to the toll it's taken on us."
For his part, Mr. Boehner said he intends to spend August at the beach, as he always does, fruitlessly trying to change the rules of volleyball.